Don't have it in me anymore

Tonight I had a message on my cell phone from my nurse. She said she is going on maternity leave and that somebody else will take her place for my monthly injections. She said to keep smiling and that the clinic is there for me if I need support. I thought it was a really nice gesture, I haven’t known her for too long but she already replaced someone else who left but I never had a chance to learn why.

There’s a song in French in which the rapper says “It’s not at 30 that I will have the chance to re-do everything from scratch brother”.

I think it’s true. I’m 30 now. And I don’t know where I’m headed. There are so many choices that my head spins thinking about it… The problem is these choices are in contradictions with each other. I don’t know where to find the will to fight for my life. Basically, I’ve given up.

I’m suspicious of everybody, it is so rare to find a gentle soul and connect with them. I’m doing absolutely NOTHING with my life worth mentioning. Every day is the same. Yes I could go back to school for a degree, but will that make me happier or bring about more problems? I’m in such a state of despair that I have no envy to leave the house to do ANYTHING. I’ve had some motivations in the past, but I’ve learned that no matter what you acquire in this life you can never take it for granted as it can be reduced to total dust from one day to another.

How do you keep hope, when you’ve lost your love, your friends, and everything in between? My pdoc sees me 20 minutes and sends me back home with a prescription, he does almost nothing to help me out of this vicious circle.

I guess I feel lonely. Thanks for being here, guys.


I’d say maybe try school… on-line classes could be a way to get a toe into the pool without jumping into the deep end.

As far as wondering if that will make you happier or bring more problems… you’ll never know if you don’t try. I hope you can talk to the doc if your feeling your motivation slip away… or if your hitting a depression.

Have you thought about a day program or maybe finding a support group in your area? Maybe ask the clinic if it has any outreach programs or groups?

I’m sorry the loneliness is hitting you. Isolation hurts sometimes. I hope you feel better soon.

1 Like

Try an antidepressant. That might make you more manic and life more exciting.

1 Like

Thanks SurprisedJ, I find myself looking for someone to care more and more. You filled that role perfectly!! :heart:

I can only get a part-time course if not I will slip off the Section 8 waiting list if I study full-time. I am not ready to take that risk and drop out in the middle like I did before, I’d have lost my way out of this apartment where I don’t feel too safe…

I have a part-time course in Photoshop in my crosshairs, it’s only one day a week, it could be good for me, my parents are ready to pay for it.

I’m in such a bad shape man, severely overweight with little clothes to wear, aah I don’t know… Thanks for the reply though, it’s nice of you to show me some compassion, I needed it…

1 Like

I was thinking you might be overweight, and antidepressants can help you lose weight. I lost over 10 pounds on zoloft and maintained it after going off of it. You need to lose the weight and you will feel better.

Have you considered a day program for adults? Or a support group? Or having a mental health worker visit your house? You’re too young to give up. I’ve lost things too. At your age I was addicted to crack, living in a temporary group home, and I was fresh off several hospitalizations and I was really messed up mentally and physically. I was catching a bus to a vocational program in which I had to attend classes and I was getting paid one penny apiece to stuff flyers in envelopes. I had every reason to give up. Three months later, I was clean off of all drugs and alcohol, I was working part-time, attending community college, and going to crowded AA, CA, and NA meetings 4 or 5 times a week and I was doing stuff with my family. My physical problem had corrected itself and my mental health was much improved. Not cured, but certainly better. You never know how life is going to turn out. Often it seemingly turns out for the worst, but it can turn out better too. Sometimes good things are just around the corner. Taking even just one positive step can have a ripple effect to shake things up and help you be more productive and give you a reason to get out of bed every morning. Good luck.


I was once 220 lbs from medication and I’ll tell you it feels good to lose the weight. It takes dieting and exercise and possibly medication, but it is worth it. That might be something to work towards.

Yeah, I used to take Wellbutrin for depression. I have nothing to do so I’ll tell you a story since you like paranormal stuff.

I used to follow this model pretty closely, she’s internet-famous, basically I had erotomania with her. One night I was home alone and I started having visuals of her appearing in my living room naked. She was like gas or something, the more I concentrated the fuller her body became. I spent an entire evening with this vision, she’d follow me everywhere I’d go, I danced naked with her and I could see her floating in mid air, when I was in my bed she was standing besides the door and the door moved as if she was resting on it.

I saw little waves of water forming her outline and she was sucking me off, sometimes she appeared in color, sometimes she was clear. At one point I thought I could fly and I concentrated on my ceiling and the ceiling appeared to become closer to me. I’m not sure if I levitated or something.

Well the day after I looked at the profile of the model and she posted a pic with fake blood dripping from her head. I immediately thought she had been shot, and became filled with rage. That day I went outside and caused a ruckus everywhere I went. My pdoc and nurse heard of it and after that he took me off the pills I was on and replaced it with Seroquel XR. I slipped into psychosis that day, but it did not last long. :eyeglasses:

Thank you so much Nick, you know how to bring my hopes up… I’ve been clean of drugs going on 6 months now, I almost never drink alcohol, maybe once every three months. That’s what is even more frustrating, I’m clean now but nothing is moving. I had a chance to study to become a video game tester, I could keep my allowance and the program would only last 5 months, it was just PERFECT for me, but at the end of the day, she did not approve me to be included in the group…

I know I want to work in video games, that would probably make me happy, but they don’t hire people with High School diplomas… I’d have to go through a painful College experience and the stress I’m almost sure would be too much to bear…

I’m whining a lot, but I’ve learned not to have high hopes for myself, as dreams get crushed one way or another. I’ll take it slow, ask my pdoc for some advice, and see how things go!

1 Like

hang in there ekoms your alright man interesting story about the erotomania.

1 Like

SurprisedJ had a good idea how about taking online classes. I have done so successfully.

When I got out of high school I toyed with the idea of becoming a lawyer. I thought about it for a month or so before I dropped the idea. Now I’m a janitor. Oh well. It puts good food on the table, nice clothes on my back, and buys me luxuries, like a nice electric shaver, an automatic hand soap dispenser in my bathroom, a water pik, DVD’s, a new DVD/video player etc. My goal in life was never to be a janitor. I didn’t dream of becoming a janitor. But I do what I can. It’s all about adjustment.


It can be the drugs making you feel this way. Don’t give up! When I stopped morphine and alcohol my life lost it’s meaning. But it WILL pass. Just keep staying strong and don’t give in.


You’re cool @77nick77, being a janitor is nothing to be ashamed of, least you got the courage to get out and be productive. My father tells me about the janitor at his work place and he says the man looks happy to have his job. I mean you don’t really have to work with people, you can do things at your own pace etc. I figured you earn twice as much as me and that’s all I need to be independent, if I budget well, which I know I won’t lol.

I really appreciate you singling out this comment Comatose because I’m proud of myself for quitting, it wasn’t really hard but I thought things would move at a quicker pace than they are now. I always figured my drug problem was my biggest hurdle to becoming successful. My grades in High School dropped as my drug use intensified and I became increasingly isolated. Maybe I’m too far out to make a comeback, maybe I need to give it more time, we’ll see. Anyways thanks for the warm wishes!!! :heart:

I did NOT grow up hoping and wanting to be a gardener/ groundskeeper…

WOW am I pretty happy with this job. I get to work with community gardens… turning nasty old concrete slabs into tree filled parks. I get to work with the city harvest for food banks…

While others have to dress to impress… deal with office politics… have their phone on at all times… miss their kids growing up due to office stress… push piles of paper around…

I get to be out in nature… I get to work on gardens that bring people some peace from the chaos. No where near as grand as I had once aimed for… Not what I planned at all… but better then I ever could have guessed.


It also helps if you view life in phases rather than years. It’s true that you can’t start over from scratch, but you wouldn’t want to. Life is anything but linear it goes forward, backward, up and down, and sometimes not at all.

Go easy on yourself, sometimes downtime is needed before you can move forward. Not every year counts in a persons life, not even for those who are super achievers.

It does feel awful when life just hangs, but keep the view that it is temporary, and when you are ready, it will seem like the right thing to do to move forward.

Hope you find a bit of happiness to keep you going…life can be good, even if only in bits and pieces.


[quote=“ekoms, post:14, topic:18428”]

Well, maybe stopping drugs didn’t greatly improve your life but I bet that quitting them stopped your life from getting worse!
I learned in AA that a lot of people who stopped using drugs and drinking did not automatically get the great job, the diploma, the two kids, or the new car. Some people got those things, some people didn’t. But at least now they are not hanging out in bars anymore or wasting good money on booze and drugs.Or doing anything illegal.
Stopping drugs and drinking at least stopped the slow, steady, decline seen in many addicts and alcoholics lives.


congratulations on being clean and sober. It’s not easy. It’s a huge life adjustment. Please be patient with yourself. It took me more then 6 months to find my balance after I quit drugs and drinking.

I can imagine how stalled out it might feel for you. I felt very frustrated for a while… I was clean and sober… I was told once I got clean and sober all my problems would be gone… and they weren’t at first… it took time to heal and get momentum again.

If you’ve been 6 months clean… first… that is a lot of work. Second… I bet there is a lot of healing going on that you might not notice. Please be kind to yourself.

I’m rooting for you.

1 Like

Good point Comatose when I stopped drinking my life lost value also. Nothing compared to how I saw life through the buzz and high I got from alcohol. I am finally finding meaning in life without alcohol.


Ahh, you people are so kind. It feels so damn good to have a pat on the back. Thanks, you made a man happy tonight!