I am really confused by what happened yesterday. Last night I think I freaked out someone who I thought I was actually becoming friends with. She likes to spend time alone but is actually really good at it, with breathing meditation and controlling the mind and all that, then I told her I like being alone but I’m not so good at it and I have trouble being relaxed and silencing thoughts. But I think I said it quite franticly, I couldn’t really put anything into words, and then there was a silence and she said she felt uncomfortable so I left. Later I was hanging out with some other friends playing music and one person made a joke at me because I looked overwhelmed. And I was! because of what had happened earlier and other things, but I couldn’t just tell everyone that and I guess it wasn’t the place to be overwhelmed. When he said this this really loud voice behind me sounded like it was fire and said my name many times which made things worse. People see me differently I think but I can’t open up, even though I know he wouldn’t joke if he knew it was serious it still is sort of off putting. Maybe I just take things too seriously, but I don’t feel like any of this is funny. I feel like I can’t make connections with anyone, every time I feel like I’m getting close to someone and I let my guard down, which rarely ever happens, only twice really in the last 4 or 5 years, they get uncomfortable and I think they don’t want to be around me anymore. I’m still really confused about what happened and if I perceived things differently than things really were. Why did he have to make that joke? And on that day especially. How should I have been acting around them? Why don’t people feel comfortable when I share my experiences? I like hearing about other peoples experience of life. But it’s only ever one way. Did she really feel uncomfortable because of me or was she trying to say something about something else and I just took it that way and left? I feel like I might have thrown away this relationship which sucks because I never get to talk to people and look at their eyes.
Also, I haven’t posted anything before but have been reading a lot of posts and it has been a great resource lately as things have gotten worse.
Has anyone had experiences like this? If anyone thinks they might have some insight into what might have really happened I would appreciate to hear what you think. Thanks everyone for helping create a community open to people sharing stuff you normally can’t talk about. I hope this post can maybe help someone else too if you’ve experienced something similar and were confused.