I still underestimate my sz

I wanted to become a Dr and had high grades. Never thought that sz would happen and that I would end up in bed 90% of my time and never getting out of my house. I told myself forget medschool, forget my physiotherapy degree, forget work and just enjoy life on disabiliy. But I still feel that I am extremely unlucky. At least I would have liked to be able to go to the gym or hangout with friends. Work is an extra. I can’t even manage money.

I can’t even do that as my parents manage my money, I live in their house staying in bed 90% of my time. I guess I feel like a baby, my parents house and feed me.

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My parents take me to the Dr and make sure that I take my meds everynight.

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That’s how I am too. The thing that bothers me that you don’t have is I don’t know if I have schizoaffective. You at least know what your problem is. I don’t know if I really have it. Do you think I have it based off my history? I still likely won’t believe what anyone says. I’m worried that I’m just a bad person.


I am not a Dr. I have moments where I want to stop my treatment thinking that I don’t have a mental illness. I had a hard time getting on meds, I stopped them many times. My parents were forcing me to take them I threw the bottle on the ground and crushed the meds with my shoes. I was later hospitalized.

I faked taking the pills in mental hospital by keeping them in my mouth then spitting them out when the nurse is gone. I also stopped meds on my own and ended up nearly killing my brother.

Yeah my parents tried to force me to take meds too. I just sometimes think I tricked my family into believing I have this. But why would they then force me to take meds and I didn’t want that. So I didn’t want a mental illness. But it just sort of became me after I was hospitalized. Everyone just thought I had it. I don’t know if I actually have it. I think I’m really bad.

But I know I had voices telling me to kill myself so that part was real. But I think it was really God sometimes because I had a connection to God that I believed was more than others. I thought I was a servant of God. At one point I thought I was being beatified. I was taking a lot of adderall. But when I heard the voices to kill myself I wasn’t on any. So it’s all confusing. But I might have been coming off an antidepressant (even though I don’t think I was because I always took my meds then) so it could have been mania from that. There’s just so many things that confuse me.

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My parents drugged me, they put meds in my drinks and food. I caught them and attacked them.

I just know I had different types of psychoses but feel like they were triggered by things unrelated to schizoaffective. And because of this, I don’t know if I’m schizoaffective. I don’t know what reality is anymore. I might be delusional thinking I’m delusional as well. That means that I don’t have schizoaffective but only think I do. I don’t know anymore.

I heard a voice coming off adderall so the voice could be fake, but I’m also worried it’s the government of some sort. I’m just going to think all voices are fake, but one of the voices told me something that came true, but basically majority of them are liars so I need to think that.

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