Schizophrenia.com

I still don't think I have schizoaffective disorder

I’m still so sick of it. Everyone’s controlling towards me. I don’t want to be patronized anymore. I just want to be left alone. I don’t even have delusions, I’m just eccentric. It’s like ■■■■■■■ ■■■■■■■■ u know? Their the ones that are ■■■■■■■ paranoid because they get all like “what’s in your head” or I know better than u. Or I know the real Gabby. The real Gabby doesn’t like being called Gabby. therefore no one ■■■■■■■ knows me. there. The end.

deleted. I had an upsetting fight with my family.

What do I really think? What does the person behind the scenes really think? Anyone ever think to ■■■■■■■ ask her? Anyone wanna know what I really think, how much I’ve weighted the differences between before I was coerced and brainwashed and after the scientific community lied to millions of people about something they pretend to know nothing about?

Editing this post because there’s no delete option, how clever.

editing this too…

This is a god damn ■■■■■■■ circus merry go round of ■■■■■■■■!!!

It’s hard, I feel stressed out and the holidays are overwhelming.

One thing that keep me going is HOPE. That one day they will come out with medication that will treat our symptoms 100 percent. Than people will never be able to differentiate us from healthy person.

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Oh well. Oh well. Oh well.

Is it not a rational thing to question it, when u have all the information to back it up? I feel like they are making a pathology of my life! Making a pathology of my experiences. making a symptom out of my despair and broken-ness. I blame the system for this. I blame them for making me sick. I think THEY made me a horrible broken mess that no one understands, or gives meaning to. My psychiatrist makes a pathology OUT OF EVERYTHING, and I just want to be heard. I don’t feel like she rationally is seeing schizoaffective, I feel like she’s just basing it off of what I say and I don’t say everything perfectly or the right way, and people misinterpret me all the time.

She said I have high insight. Maybe my insight is high because I don’t have schizophrenia? The very idea and definition of schizophrenia scared me into obsessing about it, researching it, trying to figure out and apply it to myself while being forced to take medications that made me apathetic and dumbed down, and utterly miserable! Do I really care at this point? should I even listen to anyone? What would someone do if I just said no? Force me into a hospital and give me these things that I despise? Turn my mind grey and my soul withdrawn from all that I believe in, all the passion that kept me going through the hard times. The instincts I had that were warped and stolen from me, because I was told that I had no instincts. That I was crazy!

I’m sick of being treated like a sad faced child, I’m sick of being treated like I’m immature. I’m not stupid. I know what I’m talking about. I just cried for a reason, what the ■■■■ is a mood disorder anyways? It’s just too much for me. If no one could tell me that they didn’t think I was schizophrenic than I would probably reconsider. BUT EVERYONE tells me they don’t think I have schizoaffective or schizophrenia.

I’m not allowed to feel angry anymore. I’m still angry inside, but I can’t display it to anyone. I feel conditioned to accept this. and u want to know why I think so?

I have high insight as well, even if my diagnosis is not accurate, thats not so important for me, because i acknowledge that i have mental illness and meds treat my symptoms, i don’t smoke anything besides cigarets, and the reason that i don’t smoke, not because i don’t feel well on it, i just don’t smoke so that there wouldn’t be any chance of worsening my symptoms,

I don’t know what my symptoms are at this point. so I can’t know if it’s helping, the doctors are treating it as a preventative measure from psychosis returning, but if I can’t experience life without this constant numbing its inevitable either way.

So, mindwhispers, in evading the whole topic u missed the point. Does it matter whether or not I have the actual brain imbalance…or is it that the whole culture we have this sad repressed militaristic socialized meaningless substance-less mess of mass produced idiots. Maybe the fact that Americans are so uncultured, that I’m going mad because I have to walk on eggshells around people now.

Or maybe only the 25% jobless people like me would get the frackin logic here. Bought and paid for. It’s not that complicated. I’m a ■■■■■■■ slave to the American Dream. I’ll never wake up, I’ll never be free, I’ll never live without pills that make me normal when people are so normal aren’t they? Should this be the new norm? Should we all walk around like twitchy zombies?

U wanna know the truth? How much Abilify helps me? I stopped caring about the wars overseas, I stopped caring about things like that. I felt it changing me. i felt it making me not care, I watched it slowly stupify me and everyone around me because let’s face it, domesticated docile woman are more likable than the raging hormonal bitch that I was.

The one that had visions of the future. real ones.

StarryNight your a little angry, try to get calm a little, maybe a little too much, you won’t be able to think or do anything wise while you’re angry…I do feel so angry when I get on a fight with my parents too, and it’s natural to feel frustration because they are the ones that mostly control your life, but know that your parents wants the best for you…