After I realized that many friends have left me after a long period of sickness, I feel that I am starting to withdraw myself from people. I want to spend time by myself without talking to anyone. I don’t want to go out to anywhere, just myself, alone.
I don’t like to be with others anymore. I just want to be alone and by myself.
But I long for company, and I want to be with people. However, knowing that people are starting to leave me, I just can’t help but immerse myself in sadness and loneliness, and withdraw myself from my family.
I saw my friends hanging out when I am not there, and when I am in a foreign country, trying to battle a physical disability. I have so much anger that I had to come all the way to my home country for treatment, when I was pursuing my education and doing well in school. I just hate my circumstances and I’ve been crying for hours in silence.
My mom doesn’t know that I’m feeling this way. She thinks I have somewhat “recovered” but I don’t know what to do, or what to tell others about it. My family has told me to be quiet about my schizophrenia. I feel lonely than ever, and I feel so isolated. I just want to be in my room all day and never come out of it.
I don’t have voices but I’m starting to worry that my withdrawal is a sign of relapse. My brother doesn’t know that I have schizophrenia. My parents decided to hide it from him because it would be “too much shock to know that you have a shamed illness”. I can’t forget the reaction of my father when I told him that I had this illness- it was a reaction that said, “I can’t believe that my daughter has this illness.”
What should I do friends? I don’t know. I am hopelessly lost. Should I be worried about this?