Sure I have friends I’ll say that right away. Some of them care about me a lot and my life coach is like family to me, he’s helped me through everything. I just feel like leaving here though. I just want a new life, I don’t want to be known by anyone. I have no money to move, I don’t have a job, no education. Hell I still live in my parents basement. So many people around me here are living their lives and building a life, and me? I’m stuck in a loop of not achieving anything.
I push myself away from people and have stopped trying to contact people or see them. I have no interest in people which isn’t entirely true, I only think of one person. I keep thinking of my ex who I broke up with in 2015 and I feel pathetic for it. I miss her and its been years since I’ve even spoke to her. None of my friends know I miss her and when she comes up they say she is crazy or something and I agree (to hide that I still care). I just miss having someone who actually understood me for once, I’ve never had that. We both were just so messed up we had a mutual understanding. We were able to talk about anything and never fight, if we disagreed we would debate and talk about it, we never raised our voices. I just wish I could hug her and never let go. I just want to tell her how much I miss her. I’ve never “loved” anyone and I’ve been in a few relationships and thought I did, but I was foolish and was infatuated. With her though I felt a connection I’ve never felt with any human being in my life. She accepted my crazy and listened to me every night about my fears and the voices, my hallucinations, everything. She never judged she would help me and she would go out of her way to do it. I was extremely lucky. Hell I remember my schizophrenia got so bad one time, she was leaving to go take her son home and I was in a place that triggered my schizophrenia and the ground was shaking. The voices were screaming at me and everything was falling apart around me. I remember looking into her eyes and how calm it made me, she was the first person I cried in front of about my schizophrenia. I do miss her and I just wish I could talk to her again. I should of never left her.
But now I want to move away so I can start over. Have no one know me, have no one remember me. I don’t have to ever run into people I know. I don’t have to run into her or her son, she kicked me out of her life shortly after we broke up. I don’t mean to be possessive I just never met someone like that and it’s hard for me to forget them please understand that. I don’t know a new start always makes me feel better. I’ve just been so depressed and full of anxiety living here.