I write a lot. Mostly poetry, a few short stories. Mostly pretty dark stuff. Anyway, I self-published a short book (journal/diary) on amazon about my experiences, putting it out there was scary as hell but I just wanted to share my experience, I’m not fishing for sales by the way, please don’t think that. It’s not the best thing I’ve written by a long shot, it’s kinda thrown together because I am never stable long enough to handle such a big project (which is why I normally write poetry and short stories and have never attempted a novel).
I did it because I hoped that people would read it and understand more about what it is like to live with a mental illness. I was thinking of people who felt alone in their personal hell, and people with family or friends with a mental illness who wanted to understand more about how it affects our lives. I meant well by it.
I’m thinking about it now and thinking about it… was I right to try to give people hope, is it false hope? I’m sitting browsing this site just now and replying to posts, trying to keep my humour and distract myself from how f***ing horrible this illness is. It never goes away. Am I a fraud for saying that it can get easier to live with? When things get better, I think that I am blessed for all the good things I have in my life. But every time things get better for a while, hell is just around the corner again. Who am I to tell people that it’s ok, it can get easier, when I know fine well that easier is only ever a momentary pause in the cycle of fear, confusion and despair?
Thanks, it is a really scary thing to expose all the crazy thoughts, feelings and behaviour. It felt right at the time, I just don’t know now. I’m not even sure if I care any more if people know how crazy I am, I’m just worried that because I wrote the ending in a good mood, I’ve made it sound like things get better. They don’t. I feel like a fraud. My intentions were good, but I have a tendency to say and do the wrong thing, meaning well but getting it all wrong.
That’s quite an accomplishment, your writing to a small group of people and I doubt you will get any backlash. I don’t think that you were wrong by saying it can get better, every book is just someone’s opinion . Even if you doubt your response there are better days ahead where you will agree with it. You know having sz we always regret a lot of things we do ,at least I have in the past. And it’s usually the sz that does it to us, makes us regret things I mean. But what is done is over and there’s no good reason to dwell on the negative. Best wishes
Thank you for saying that. Yeah, that’s just it, the way I feel changes constantly. It probably is the scz… I wish I could feel good about it, I know my intentions were good, I just alway end up feeling like every I say and do is wrong. I should have put that in the book, as a disclaimer for myself.
Shoulda coulda woulda didn’t it’s over I wouldn’t sweat it. Maybe if you want to add something you could add it to the advertisement. But we do have sz so I’m people will give you some slack because of it. Most of them think we can’t mix into society anyway. So I doubt there’s anything you have done or said that would shock this society. We have grown up on Dateline and Showtime, were pretty callused to the psychotic. When I feel this regret like you are describing I get about 12 hrs sleep and all is better tomorrow. Best wishes☺
Is writing a book difficult? I remember chew saying that he wrote a book as well. Anyway I hope that your book sells well and touches the hearts of many people. Or give them hope as you say.
I hope so too, I really do. It is difficult writing a book, the journal I published was only about 20000 words, and some of that was put together from excerpts of my diaries and poetry, the editing is the hardest part. I write short stories, about 5000 words average, they take me weeks and months to write, every time you change something or have a new idea, you have to go through the whole things again to make sure everything fits, then edit and rewrite again and again until it feels right… I must spend hundreds of hours on one story. Poetry on the other hand, just spills out, I can write a poem in a few hours, it has to be done all at once, it’s a totally different process for me. It is very hard work writing stories, but very enjoyable, and it give me a great sense of achievement to finish something.