My father’s injury to me when I was an infant was so buried in pride and leaving town that there could not be any real healing. I could not even walk. It was all denied and somehow, I survived. But I am not well, now and remembering and am very unable and afraid of people. My Dad is gone now, I know. And it helps some to know that. But I have hurt people in the name of getting even with my Dad, never knowing that that was why. So I am left with feeling I am a bad person on top of trying to heal the injury.
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I’m sorry. He can’t hurt you anymore. He can’t hurt anyone anymore. And you’re not a bad person. You defended yourself because that’s what you instinctively felt you needed to do. You did the best you could. You are a wonderful person and that is what matters now. It’s ok to put this down now so that you can heal.
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You are not a bad person @PinCushion.
May you find peace of mind.
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@PinCushion, my dad was an abuser too. I’m sorry you’re still in so much pain. Try writing him a letter saying everything you think and feel about him. Get it out of your system. Remember he can’t hurt you anymore and you survived. Go forward living your life with as much joy as you can, even if the only joy you can get right now is watching comedies or videos of kittens and puppies.
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You are not a bad person. Don’t allow yourself to think that. You have scars in your life, and that’s okay. You are a good person. Don’t forget that. 
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The fact you are asking for forgiveness and patience with your situation shows you are of good moral character.
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