I just want to taste it

I just want a little of that mania…that high when I’m off my meds and the voices drag me into delusions, where the world disappears and I can actually feel something…

But this itself is unhealthy and I take my meds anyways knowing its for the better…


I sometimes miss the feeling of mania, too. But with mania comes terrible decisions and spending all of my money. I can’t afford to go down that road again. Literally.

For me, mania always feels good in the beginning but it eventually merges with the depression into mixed episodes. That’s when things really get bad- the constant energy and racing thoughts coupled with the suicidal thinking. Not a good place to be in.

I find that mania is the one thing that makes this illness worth living with, and after more than 8 months of being in a severe depression I cannot help but go with it.

My psychiatrist is aware of what I am like with this subject, and is okay with me being not taking medication as long as he and my CPN can keep a close eye on me, though it was taking medication that has sent me into this particular manic episode in the first place (thank you Zyprexa, although it almost killed me due to a severe reaction, which is why I’m not currently taking medication as this is what usually happens).

I know he is waiting for me to completely lose it again, but I just try to gear all of my energy towards positive things in my life rather than just ruining it again and again as I typically do. Whilst I can keep it kind of under control, all is well. For the first time in a very long time, sex is great, my creativity is through the roof, and I feel ■■■■■■■ amazing. Which is why there is no way in hell I am taking medication until this is over.

When things start to go downhill (irritability, recklessness, all of that bad manic stuff), I will relent and go back to trying to find a med that works. Until then, I’m actually going to enjoy my life for once.

I have never had mania but with my first psychotic break I felt peace in my brain for a brief while. I felt like good things were coming and like I was special. I miss that part. later on though, that break became confusing, scary and bad. I have no choice but to take meds. I had had a self-harming break before.

speaking of mania im off meds and i saw logan today so i ordered some metal wolverine claws online

A lot of sz’s feel that way. I know I do. I was just thinking the other day that maybe I would write better if I got off my med’s, but then I look at some of the ways I’ve behaved when I was off my med’s, and I know that I don’t want to go back there.