Schizophrenia.com

I just need to type this out

So, my family is split in two and my dad continues to decline deeper into dementia. My brother just got out of prison, but he’s facing further court cases and charges because he’s a pedophile… I’m on the side of the person accusing him. That made another brother disown me because he loves this brother so much. It’s a mess. My family is a mess. And all I really want right now is to get help for myself. I don’t want to think about my family anymore. I’m in the middles of my sisters, trying to maintain a relationship with all three, but I really feel like letting go of everyone. My family has always been dangerous. Now I’m old enough to see and to be faced with the choice to walk away. But I won’t be able to.
And then there was the other day, I got mad at my husband over a smallish thing. I’m just under a lot of stress. And he yelled at me that I should leave. “Just leave! You should just go!”
He apologized afterward, but I told him that he didn’t pull that out of the sky. He must have been considering a break-up somewhere in his mind. He denies it, but he lies to me all the time because he’s incapable of facing his emotions.
Anyway, it occurred to me that I have nowhere to go. I don’t make very much money and I’m in debt. But he could kick me out any time he wants to. He has that power. That hadn’t actually occurred to me before, but, one more push, one more bad day, and he could just be done with me.
There’s no one in my world who I can trust completely. There’s nowhere that I can let out a breath and feel ok. This house I live in could be taken away any moment and I would have nothing. I’m at the mercy of the choices of others… I’m really tired.
If you made it through this, thank you for reading it. I have therapy in two days, but I wanted to type this out here.

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Wow, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this @Hedgehog.
Try to hang in there.

You can always come on here and vent anytime.

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Hey @Hedgehog I hope (and I think) you’re wrong about your husband wanting to break up with you. Sometimes I’m guilty of making something small into something bigger especially if it’s a bit emotionally charged.

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You must feel very vulnerable and like you don’t have a safety net. When my mom was alive I always felt like, no matter what, I always had a place to go, but now that she’s gone I feel like I don’t have that safety net anymore. It’s stressful. It’s like I could be homeless at any moment. We just have to trust in our ability to fend for ourselves I guess.

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That is so much for one person to deal with. All I can do is give you a hug (((((Hedgehog)))))

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Thank you, @Wave. That’s really kind. I feel guilty because I’m not on here every day and then I come and dump everything I’m dealing with. But I do love this forum because people understand and are supportive. :heart:

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Yes, thank you for understanding, and I’m sorry about your mom. It’s been 10 years my mom’s been gone and my dad is physically here but really gone too. I’ve often thought that I could be homeless if I had to be, but the truth is that I’m terrified of being homeless. I love my husband too. He’s a good man. If he loses hope in me, then I really have nothing.

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I have a rage problem. He doesn’t like yelling and I yell. He thought he yelled at me in this argument, but he barely raised his voice. It was the telling me to leave that hurt. He says he didn’t mean it. But I need to stop pushing him so hard emotionally.

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Thank you! I really appreciate your kindness :heart:

I’m glad you got that off your chest. Hope you feel better soon.

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He may have felt like you wanted to leave and then said that without him actually wanting that. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’m sorry your mom is gone and your dad is mentally gone. That must be so difficult. I’m glad you were able to get that off your chest here. This community cares about you and your wellbeing. I wish the best for you

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Is there a place people can go to like respite. We have one here. They an keep you safe and you can rest. I know I can’t help much but I care about my fellow sz people.

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I have to work, although I took one more day after having a week off for Thanksgiving. I felt bad staying home today, and I can’t keep taking time off of work. But my dream is to take a break from everything and everyone. I just can’t.
Thank you so much for encouragement.
:heart:

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That’s really wise. Maybe you’re right, but it’s hard to imagine that he doesn’t really want me to go.
Thank you for that hopeful insight and kind words. I need this forum. I need people who understand how hard it is under the best of circumstances…

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I feel you on that bit of being at the mercy of the choices of others.

It’s pretty harsh.

Letting go of family is soooo hard too.

Doesn’t matter if they’re toxic. It’s the fear of having nothing and facing a life of loneliness that can be so heart wrenching.

My mother I’m afraid to ask for her help even though I really need it more right now. But she’s burden with my older brother, his 4 kids, driving them everywhere, working every day, etc …

We just talked and I explained that this situation is just going to have to be let go of. She agrees but struggles still because it is a worry of what will happen by leaving it all.

Some sad realities out there everywhere and letting go may be the best thing but it just isn’t always too easy. We want the assurance that we’ll find connection again. But we need to realize we deserve healthy connections that feel good and they do exist.

Just not always that easy. Feels like it is a grieving process.

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@Hedgehog
Sorry you’re struggling. Vent as much as you need; that’s what we’re here for.

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@Hedgehog hey it’s ok to vent really it is. Everyone faces troubles every now and then.

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So wise, @Genbu. Thank you for your input! I’m sorry about your family situation too.
My therapist said to me that it’s ironic that my family looks to me (some of them) for support when I’m the youngest and the one with sz. He also said that there’s a disproportionate amount of disfunction in my family… In other words, like you said, toxic.
He had me write a “goodbye” letter to each of my siblings (there are six), and I did write a letter to them all as a group but deleted it…
I hope your mom and you find a balance. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, but when the balance becomes so complicated that it’s never even then maybe it is time to let go.
:heart:

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I’m glad you still have hope. It’s really important. It keeps you going each day.

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