The future. We worry about it. I read often about people here in bad situations. (obviously me too) I hear many people say stuff like, “Well my present living situation is crappy and always will be until I die.” many of us in bad living situations think that what they are experiencing NOW means it foretells their whole future and there is no way around it. They feel like it’s a pattern of misery that is impossible to change. In their minds, they see the future as a never-ending pattern of failure.
Well, I stayed out of the hospital for 25 years. But two years ago an impossibly bad combination of events unfolded in my life that put my life in a tailspin. The worse thing was my mom dying. I won’t get into the story here but it was the biggest life changing occurrence in my 56 years. I won’t get into it but my mom was an extremely kind, intelligent and caring mother who kept me motivated to live. Without her help I would have been dead a long time ago. But that’s all I will say about her.
But in a period of two weeks, two years ago, I lost my mom, my housing, I couldn’t drive my car. I ended up in the psyche ward for feeling suicidal at age 55. I was only in for two days but it was my only scary hospitalization. I was locked up for 8 months back when I was 20 but the two days I was in this last hospital were scarier than the whole 8 months.
But anyways I had to quit school, and then move into a board & care home even though I had lived independently in society for more than 20 years.
It was discouraging but I moved into the board & care home for two years. It wasn’t terrible, I had some good times but I also had people roaming the hallways at night trying peoples doors or rubbing against my door to freak me out. The place was fairly clean except for the men’s bathroom where some of the people had terrible bathroom habits. I had to share a small room with some 27 year old kid. I ended up living there for 15 months. My sisters were helping me to to get back on my feet but after a year my sister made me face reality and she told me that i should prepare to live in that dingy little room for the rest of my life. It was very sobering but I had to agree with her.
So life went on. Then I had to move down the street to an even worse place. I stayed there 4 months and the bathroom was an even bigger pig sty than the first place. But anyways, the place was hell. But I thought the rest of my life was set in stone. I figured i would live there until I died, I figured I didn’t have long at my job either. My money situation was bad and I worried I would have to give up my car and school after clawing my way back up from my mom dying and being in the psyche ward. I’m sure some of you see yourself represented in my story.
I hear so many people at a young age thinking their future was going to be a never-ending pattern of misery isolation and suffering. It does NOT have to happen. At age 56 i have been up and down in life so many times. I battled drug addiction and I won. I’ve been clean for 27 years. I’ve been fired from jobs, evicted before, I’ve had numerous people subtly harass me, I’ve been hopelessly debt half a dozen times only to pay my debts and enjoy a little extra money.
But i mentioned “set in stone”. Well you know what? My case worker found an apartment for me. I am now living in a clean, semi-roomy apartment with plenty of storage space. We have counselors in case of emergency’s but other than that it is living independently. The rent is ridiculously cheap for this area.
My next class starts in January. My car runs fine. I still work. My roommate who is my age has given me some comments about how I’m a nice man and how easy to live with I am. We share food sometimes, have occasional conversations. I have given him a couple of rides to doctors appointments.
But my point in this post is that you cannot tell the future. Things happen that are not always bad or negative. Life is not a linear thing. There are many forks in the road and many of them are good in the path of life.
I am not spending my last years in a home with people trying my doors or ganging up on me. I am living in a pleasant neighborhood. I get out almost every day. i don’t mind eating alone in restaurants. I like taking pleasant drives for wherever they will take me. I am curious about the world around me. Some people like me some people don’t. Its OK and a relief to not have to like everyone or pay attention to everyone. Not liking everyone will save me a fortune on greetings cards and Christmas presents.
Anyways, I just wrote this because I see so many people lose hope that there circumstances will ever change. Its a big world and if there’s room for me, than there is room for you. I hope you guys all have a nice night and I hope someone got something out of this. I hope maybe the younger folks here see that us older folk came before you and we made many mistakes but you can learn from them and not make the same mistakes. Peace.