I stopped visiting this site a while back when I confessed my thoughts which at the time thought meant I was a pedophile. It wasn’t until I started therapy was I able to start understanding it was a type of OCD called POCD. It tore my life apart. It started with watching a youtube show. It started out like the host was just making fun of them because they were a bit abnormal. Then my ideas about what the host was really doing changed. He was revealing the dark secret of humanity. Every man that is not a strong confident man was a pedophile. I wasn’t disturbed by this thought initially because at the time I thought it only extended to stand up comedians. I also thought by revealing this truth in a public way we as a society can learn from the show and wake up to the fact that pedophiles are everywhere and we can learn to spot them. Then the thought hit me. My dad’s a bit of a clown and a ham. HE MUST BE A PEDOPHILE!!!
This thought started a rabbit hole of assumptions and false perceptions that every even remotely beta male was a pedophile. I became obsessed with identifying them. All while I was having delusions I was the second coming. I even started to hallucination conversations with the host as I was watching the show.
This went on for several months all the while I was smoking weed to fallow the shows revelations(the show was a weed smoking show). Then one day while I realized that the everyone in the afterlife and in the universe was watching me including aliens that were studying my greatness (lol). When they showed up I told them to find someone else to become the second coming because I was scared of the responsibility.
It was then just a few moments later I realized I was a beta male for refusing and that was irrefutable proof in my mind that I was in fact a pedophile…
During the last three years I would constantly question if I was a pedophile all while seeing the world of males as nothing but pedophile with little to no exceptions. Part of me thought I was destined to heal the world by becoming a pedophile then curing myself then distributing as cure in an astral projection. which is another story entirely. The other part was me thinking I had to die before I harmed a child only surviving countless suicide attempts by constantly feeding the delusion that I will cure the world of all ailments (which are all rooted in pedophilia in my mind).
I thought this was my life now, the pedophile Jesus that will save the world. Then I had a dream of my going to my psychiatrist and upping my dose and getting on something for my disturbing intrusive thoughts. I looked into POCD several times in those 3 years and was certain they were just in denial of there real disease.
It wasn’t until I visited a forum about POCD and read their experiences did I start to hope it was POCD. They described everything I experienced and even the groinal responses which was further proof of my evil nature.
I went into therapy one day because I was at my limit I knew I wasn’t progressing in my search for a cure and hoped that therapy would give me clues.
The therapy opened my eyes to the truth, the real truth. I have POCD it is surprisingly common in OCD. And now I’m almost out of that nightmare where the world and all it’s children hanged in the balance. I’m not Jesus and I can’t save the world from real pedophiles. But I am a fighter that can fight for this world nearly endlessly and will get better. Through medications and therapy I will be able to go back to school and get a degree in genetics and work on amazing advancements like Crispr cas9. I want to contribute to the end of mental suffering of the human race. I won’t cure it but I contribute to its eventual downfall.
I know their are a lot of other people trapped in similar nightmares. Please go to a therapist that can help you treat your symptoms and teach you how to manage then a regain control of your mind. I love you all.
-Leo
