I don’t deserve to live. Im a wicked person, full of evil vile guts and gore. I hate being a woman wish I could cut my bloody tits off then no guy would want me. life is not wrth living, I cut myself and broken my promise to mu=y husband im terrified he will divorce me now ive gone too far. I feel oppressed under this ■■■■■■■ mental illness and I don’t even like my religion anymore. I hate being a woman I don’t want to have to veil myself and I don’t like prayer. I don’t want to hate God but finding myself hating Him now and I don’t want to go to hell but I deserve to im a wicked woman. what s going to happen to me now??? I just want to die end this miserable life ive gone too far and broken m y promise im not trustworthy anymore wish I could reverse time and remove the cuts before my poor husband sees them. he couldn’t take my st anymore so he drove off alone with his epilepsy and all and if hes in an accident it will be my fault im terrified ive gone too far but I cant help it im so sick of living and I have so much hatred for myself it affected him as well. F* me!!!
I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that you do deserve to live. You are kind to people and have a love of nature and animals…
You have worked so hard fighting this head circus… I can only imagine how tired you are.
I’m so sorry the hospital system put you in a chair and didn’t really help you last you were seeking some help.
Let your husband cool off… there is a lot of emotion going on right now. It will cool down. I’m sorry you were compelled to cut. I hope your husband realizes it’s a hard urge to fight. You have been going through a lot right now.
I do hope you can get some help and feel better soon. I do wish the best for you.
I hope that when your husband cools off and comes home the two of you can maybe put a crisis plan together…
I’m rooting for you.
@Hadeda you are a good person. I feel really bad for you. I am so sorry you are so upset. Just try and not cut again? for every minute you don’t cut you’re making progress. Please don’t hurt yourself. I am praying for you.
I do not cut myself but I did use the cutting method when I tried to kill myself throughout my life. I have scars.
I am aware of some of the thoughts you just posted, I can see this within myself sometimes.
After you follow your medication routine and speak with your pdoc, give yourself credit for talking about what you experience. Instead of isolating yourself, you are communicating.
About being a woman, have you ever read any historical books by author Howard Zinn? Check youtube out for Howard Zinn; they read his work to you. No matter who you are in this world or where you come from, Zinn, due to his awesome respect for mankind, will tell you about the people most historians leave out. You will then see how precious you are to those of us out here who value knowing we are not all the same. You may begin to see how you have strength similar to some of the women in the past who faced severe oppression; you can demonstrate how important bonds/relationships are to you. Their past proof of strength may encourage you to build yourself up to lean on others when necessary and acknowledge you are a woman who can build up self esteem as others deem you should.
I know it is not easy. The women the late Zinn wrote about struggled. So know that as you struggle you are not alone. You are a woman because inside you have a unique gift to offer the rest of us on this planet–a planet that you have to be impressed by…–the future women of the world will want to know how, why, and where you struggled.
Saadiqah, you have to realize that you are a good and worthwhile person. I can understand you feeling trapped by your religion. Maybe you can work with your husband to learn to practice a less stringet version of it. You are not a wicked person. I know what a wicked person is, and you’re not that. People here care about you. It hurts us to hear you talk this way.
@Hadeda everyone on this site knows that you have a kind heart. I know the medical system in our country is a joke and the meds they give is mostly entry level typical ap’s. Is it not possible for you to ask your pdoc to put you on better than state formulary ap’s which is still affordable. Olexar is a good ap and affordable. Previously I’ve been on clopixol depot which cost me about R400 per month which is still better than the meds in the state formulary. My pdoc said that some of the meds on the state formulary she won’t even give to a sick horse. If only you can get your meds stabalised at an affordable cost I believe it will be a good start for you.
Don’t worry so much about religion. I’ve been christian and decided to quit religion all together. All but my name cause heck my name is Christian. I’m not mad at any christian…I’ve decided to live and let live. Christians go their way and I go my way. I just dont talk religion to anyone. If you want out from islam…get out. We live in a free country. Some of the elders might give you a hard time walking out but you can if you want to. I’m on your side. Sz is hard enough to live with. We don’t need other stuff like religion to complicate it further. For some people religion work out for them and I’m happy for them.
I read an article the other day about what makes our lives complicated…it is because we say yes to too many things. Everything we say yes to we must make decisions that affects our lives. Its better to say no to stuff and that will simplify our lives.
I’ve said no to religion. .no to alcohol and drugs and no to cigarettes and also no to relationships. This has made my life a lot less complicated having to live with sz.
Good luck to you. I’m holding thumbs for you that you’ll be making excellent decisions in the coming days that will influence your life positively.
Hope you feel better soon Saadiqah
Just remember were only human. Just gotta brush off our shoulders and pick ourselves back up.
A few days ago I had a strange reckless/suicidal feeling that came over me for no apparent reason I was just lying in bed confused then I got up and drank like 6 shots and started reading about suicide. I was reading about Robin Williams and someone had wrote that he just had a “suicidal sneeze” where you just get this strange feeling that nothing else will fix it except this. It had never happened to me like that before.
So now I am more on guard. I’m fine though.
Big Hug. And an even bigger hug
Sounds like bad depression right now your barely enduring through right now, I’ve had these lows as well, even last week just remember there are things bad you can do to your body that you can’t undo…even if thinking of suicide wait one more day and try too get help, you can’t take it back ever
Hang in there @Hadeda Does sound like you need to talk to somebody. With your current symptoms I know it’s probably the last place you want to go. With you just coming out of hospital. .But I think a long talk with someone at the ER might be what you need. At least contact your Pdoc as soon as you can.
You’re also very far from a evil person. Try not to be so hard on yourself. You deserve to be loved and to be helped.
@Hadeda I know that you have a doctor/Hospital appointment at the end of the month, but I think that you should contact your doctor immediately and tell him what is going on - If you do not get an answer from him quickly, you may want to go to the Emergency room and tell the doctors there what is going on.
Please try not to cut yourself again! Seek help out immediately - Hang in there
Thanks everyone for your wonderful support. I feel a little better today, must just hang in there till Thursday when I see my pdoc, can’t wait. There’s no way I can contact him sooner, he doesn’t have a contact no. My husband is ok with me, we made up and are still together. Another storm passes. I feel like a lighthouse with all the storms battering me, it feels so calm now, but I feel still so vulnerable. I am beginning to doubt again that I have sz, I probably forgot about the episode with Alien. The doctors know best, I suppose, sz is so broad in its symptomology!
Thanks again for all your support. That’s one thing I love about this group. I find myself not wanting to live without it, you guys are very important to me!
Glad to hear you and your husband were able to patch it up.
Please take a chance to rest or do something you enjoy.
I’m glad you’re doing better. I still struggle with cutting so I don’t know what the answer is. I thought I was done with it. I hadn’t cut for years but then I relapsed twice. It was a struggle to not make it into a habit again. Your metaphor of a storm is a good one. Emotions are like the weather. Sometimes they hit us like a hurricane and its hard, but just like any storm it passes. I don’t feel the emotions that cause me to cut all of the time, but while I’m in it I feel like it is a permanent state. There is a concept in Buddhism called impermanence. Suffering comes because human nature causes us to feel things are permanent. When we are young we feel we will always be young and healthy so we have attachment to that, but when we get older and sick we realize that we didn’t always have youth. Suffering is relieved when we embrace impermanence and realize that even on a molecular level the chair I am sitting in is changing. I don’t know what goes through your mind when you cut, but for me it is feeling I will always experience that state. I started cutting when I was 13 and am 31 now. So feel free to message me if you need to talk. In the past I have also felt that self hatred and disgust. Mine is related to trauma though so working in therapy has changed the way I view myself. Maybe try positive affirmations. Every day tell yourself “I love you and I will take care of you” or “My husband loves me as I also love him.” Even if you don’t believe it still do it. It will change your perspective. Good luck!! 
I am sorry for what you are going through, i have been a cutter for a very long time, and sometimes the urges are so strong, and sometimes it is the voices that push me to it. I have not really cut deep for a long time and it is very hard not to.
i am glad you are feeling better and worked things out with your husband, this illness is a very hard thing for a mate to understand, you are lucky he is there for you. Be strong, and make sure your pdoc knows you cut when you see him when your appointment comes.
We are always here for you, so the next time you feel like thios, come post first before you do something you are going to regret.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
missy
There’s a line from a song - Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.
so glad you’re doing better @Hadeda hang in there sister !!
((((Hugs)))) to you @Hadeda,
as a (former) cutter starting at age 13, I know the struggle to quit.
Seems the more I focused on it trying to stop, the harder it was to do so.
When I learned to accept myself as is, rather than good or bad, it was the start that broke the grip the cycle of cutting had on me.
Know your very much worth everything, don’t give up on yourself, ever.
Hating yourself and saying such awful things will not make it any easier for you not to harm yourself. That kind of thinking is just going to lead you to do it again and again. You need to treat yourself with kindness love and respect. Constantly repeat positive affirmations, if you can’t think anything nice about yourself, don’t think at all!
You veil yourself, are you Muslim? You could always try out a different belief system, unless you are socially bound in some way to being Muslim in which case I’m very sorry and it must be awful to be forced into a lifestyle you don’t want to be a part of. I was never forced into any sort of religion and I am grateful for that. I hope someday you can find peace in that area.
Yes, I am Muslim, but I wasn’t forced into it, it was my own choice. I choose to practise it, no matter how hard it is, there is benefits for society, and I am sacrificing for the common good. I get tempted to leave Islam, but what Islam teaches about God (that He is One without any partners) I firmly and truly adhere to and never want to renounce. I know Islam is good for me, it is a perfect way of life, but I am far from perfect and sz makes it even harder to practise properly. I can’t live without God in my life, my soul will be in torture without Him - He gives my soul peace. 
Hi, I think it’s honorable that as a woman you choose to remain with Islam and your faith is strong in that matter. There are beautiful aspects of that religion. In the past when I was sad and might self-harm, instead I take care of myself. Run a nice bath or put on perfume or care products. Maybe paint a picture or portrait. Do you do art? And also glad you are calling the doctor. Just remember to try and keep the schizophrenia somewhat separate as God is above diseases, but also gives us patience. Much love!