I forgot what health was

I think that i have forgotten what it was to be healthy and feel good.

Im forgetting all of those good things, they haven’t been there for so long.

It’s been a very shitty metamorphosis.

I know that feeling my cpn said to me that the medication hasn’t really helped but it has I just don’t think I remember what it is to be healthy I’ve been I’ll and inflicted by voices and delusions so long I don’t know what it feels like to feel okay I don’t really get happy any more I’m going on a holiday in a month and I’m hoping it will rise old feelings I’ll be disappointed if I don’t feel some joy at the beautiful landscapes I’ll be seeing. I’m going to work on this maybe record when I have no voices and write down how I’m feeling on those days see if that will be my new version of okay.

What amazes me is how much this body can take. I see empty carton after empty carton of cigarettes… pack after pack, empty. Piles and piles of it… and I still breathe. I still feel relatively healthy… I get on the stationary bike and I do my lap, and I feel as good as new. What is this thing capable of?