I’ve worked on expressing very little pain other than physical pain, which my parents consider “acceptable”. Growing up, expressing emotional pain was often met with confrontations and criticism. As a result, I’m finally at a stage where I feel nothing, I express nothing, and I talk about nothing. Physical pain is often met with sympathy, so I gain comfort by saying that I’m physically hurting. Living with chronic pain isn’t easy, but I’m glad that it’s accepted.
My family often talk a lot about stuff, and they get really surprised when I can’t respond emotionally or openly. On the other hand, my brother is really good at that and I’m really glad that he’s doing that for me.
I am emotionally numb. I feel no joy. I don’t want to draw. I don’t want to sing nor make art. I feel depressed all the time. I have constant delusions but I can’t talk about them because I’m afraid that my parents would make me pray. I feel no enjoyment in anything, and I feel indifferent and apathetic. Every day I spend time thinking about trauma, about how that high school teacher kicked me out of a trip because I had schizophrenia, about hearing nurses swear behind my back, and about how all my friends stopped talking to me after I moved back, and about how much of an embarrassment I was in Canada. My entire life feels like a mistake. I feel like I should have never been born, that my birth was never should have happened, after hearing that my mom wouldn’t want to be married if she is born again and have me.
Every day I’m trapped in trauma and feeling like I would hate myself forever. I have so much healing to do but no one wants me to heal but myself.