I was watching something today and this memory popped into my head, so I just wanted to let it out.
When I was growing up, my dad was never home. He would go to work, then to graduate school. He would go out with friends or go to church. Wherever he was, he was never home and my mom did all the childrearing. So, my mom had very little limit on what she could handle so she would often lash out at me because she couldn’t handle the stress. I don’t really know what I did with my dad since when I was young, he was never there. He would take us out to parks and stuff, but when that was over he would watch TV all day or be largely absent. He would never help my mother who was clearly struggling with childcare. They used to fight a lot and there were talks about divorce, but they never split up. (He still never helps her anyway so not like he changed, he’s more considerate now though)
When I was 12, I moved to Canada and I did really well there. But my brother was starting to feel homesick so she went back with my brother to Korea. Later I joined her after I got paralyzed, about 6 years ago or so.
So after I came home with an unknown sickness, I went to all the hospitals in the country to find the cause but the doctors kept telling me it was in my head. My mom started to get frustrated and lashed out at me, and my brother was ashamed of me because I would be in pain all day, suffering. They were really mad at me for not exercising, and I kept telling them that I couldn’t exercise because I was too tired. But they said that I wasn’t trying to get better and said I must accept “God’s will”, whatever that means. My mom kept saying that other kids are just fine but her kids are terrible, saying that she never gets to go outside because she has to take care of me. She said this was her “unfortunate fate” and that’s just life. Whenever she would get angry, she would talk about my brother’s issues and my depression and says “I never want you to have kids because I had the most horrible life taking care of you guys” and “you know how miserable I felt when your brother was causing troubles everywhere”.
The botton line is, something triggered me to think about these memories I had. I know that I would never get married or have kids but I’m scared that I would end up with a kid like myself. If I was that miserable to her…I was probably my mother’s greatest mistake. My mom said she planned my brother’s conception but I feel like that’s a mistake too. She should’ve lived a childfree life, and I feel bad for her for putting up with my illness.
I just hope I don’t bother anyone, and I guess that’s why I’m a little scared of being a burden. I was a burden to a lot of people, and I feel really sorry for people who had to put up with me.