Whenever I say something about my illnesses, my mom say something in the lines of “why are my kids like this” or “because of you I can’t _____” and it’s really, really hard for me to say anything to her. I don’t really care about opening up, but what I care about is what will come afterwards.
I understand that she is also human and she is also allowed to express her frustration. But I feel like I’m doing something bad by opening up, and as a result I don’t want to say anything to her. So I just bottle things up. I tried so many things to relieve the pain- I’ve tried hitting myself with a stick, poking myself, and even self-harming in secret. Nothing is helping so far and I feel like I’m going to die.
I see my psychiatrist next week but honestly I feel like I’m going to die any second now. The hard part is that I’m afraid of what she is going to say. I fear my mom more than anything in my life, and I don’t know why. Most times I just don’t understand her because she seems nice but she also says things that make me guilty. Maybe because she fought with me when I went to the hospital or because she was largely very unsupportive, but I’m honestly scared to death when she gets a little loud. I just don’t want to hear my mom say something negative.
How do I get through this?? I’m honestly suffocating myself to death.
I think in your situation it’s important not to really on others for positive affirmation. Because you may not get it. I think you need to start developing some self esteem separate from other people in your life. I know that is probably not easy but I honestly think that that is your only way out of this cycle of constantly beating up on yourself and feeling bad. It’s nice to have good things said about you from others but in your case it sounds like it might not always be possible so you shouldn’t rely on it. You need to start developing some self esteem on your own and separate from your mothers feelings IMO.
A good therapist probably wouldn’t hurt either.
The problem is, she says it directly to me or when she’s with me. I’m honestly scared what she’ll say next.
I wish I can have one but it’s expensive.
Perhaps it’s not your mother’s cup of tea, but there are support groups for families who have ill members that can attend. It promotes awareness, and helps family ventilate there feelings and learn sustainability.
Maybe do some research for her, if there are any establishments in your proximity that has this kind of service, suggest her to attend? Even help her financially if it costs money?
She might be feeling stigmatized and alone…
If I were in your situation, I would try to live on my own. Here you have student housing which specializes in (physical) disabilities and provides adequate support. Also, doesn’t your uni offer free or cheap counseling for students?
thats painful. I can sorta relate. I live with my mom and I feel my dad left because he cant handle certain aspects. He will say things like just snap out of it or why cant you understand me…I sometimes wish I had been a normal daughter to make him proud and that I had graduated and hadn’t made his life such hell.
My mom on the other hand is in total denial right now. She’s projecting a lot of her insecurities on me. She wont take the meds anymore and i cant be around her so I have been spending most of the time away from her in my room or outside or anywhere but where she is. I have tried to talk to her but she ends up ranting or criticizing me with a delusion.
You shouldn’t blame yourself, to the point of self-harming.
If it’s at that point, I would call my psychiatrist and talk to him/her; instead of waiting until next week.
You shouldn’t try and tough it out; feeling like you have to wait until next week to see your psychiatrist.
Self-harming is an emergency situation.
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