Hello to all!!!
In fact, I find that there is some slight progress since I am on my lithium, but I still don’t go out. Don’t tell me please, just go out… I already have the pressure from my mom… I feel insecure, I got tired from the years to put so many efforts when going out. In fact, it was terrible outside when I was just on the Zyprexa. I was suffering as hell physically even but I wasn’t telling much to the others that I have this or that anxiety, paranoia and the physical problems… My anxiety wasn’t treated for more than a decade so I am tired of efforts. its human at the end. I am tired of pretending that I am normal etc etc. I had some tragico-comical situations outside, I cant handle this anymore… But now I am insecure about myself outside. I pray that with the litme, the lithium will lift my anxiety and my depression. But I feel guilty as hell that I sit here and don’t do nothing… Will I feel more sure of myself one day? is this what happened to you once you found the right meds? Don’t tell me that I don’t make efforts. you were not ill all here since kid… I had enough of my efforts without result. I never had a life, really…
Please don’t feel guilty, @Anna1. I don’t think you have anything to feel guilty about. You’re doing the best you can under very trying circumstances.
I can relate to your post. It sucks. 
Yeah, thanks tomasina 
My mom says that ill feel satisfied only after I put some efforts, yeah… always efforts… while I need just to be a bit happier and less sick…
‘Efforts’ oh I know 
It’s such a relief when I can work with a pdoc who appreciates how much ‘effort’ I have to expend just to do basic ‘stuff.’ Truly, it’s a nightmare.
Stay strong @Anna1. 
The problem in my case is that I gave up fighting in a way. I was fighting since I was kid. I had suicidal thoughts and only this in my head since I am 7 years old. I was suffocating by fear around others, I had this transpiration cause I was feeling uncomfortable just sitting on a chair, I gave enough to others and now I am sick. My mother is so ■■■■■■■ worried cause I don’t go out yeah. I know that its no good but she says that ill never recover but I should learn to help her, yeah… and I don’t want to be anymore her Cinderella!!! Ok, its she who provides me the food but I am tired to do only efforts. cause when, after 3 decades ill feel normal? I need to feel normal! I am tired of my symptoms. They rule my life since forever for god sake!!! and you all just keep saying to me to make efforts yeah…I think that I done enough of them in the past, that was my point…
I am better in a way on lithium but insecure still and a bit crazy still. I want already to feel good. ok, I guess its too much to want but whatever… otherwise, sometimes I suffocate also just to sit here, closed in my apartment… I guess it was mistake to have spent so much time ill and untreated when I was living in france but gosh, I was alone there too…
I don’t think you should go out cause others tell you to or out of guilt. I’ve only suggested it before because you seem to want to be out of the 4 walls it’s just hard with the anxiety. And because of my own experiences. I have GAD, basically chronic anxiety and found if I force myself to go out for short outings even with this terrible anxiety some days it works out and I do lighten up and even meet people, usually group settings are a good place to start back up cause you don’t have to pretend to be normal. But yeah often I fake normal with that horrible anxiety inside me. Did you say you got l theanine? If so is that helping? Do you take a benzo before you go out? Well you do it when you’re ready but it might be nice for you to escape the walls.
Finally, I ammed sensitive so I don’t try ltheanine, no… I want to wait a bit on the lithium. I don’t take benzos since I am on the lithium (2 months). I want to try without the benzos, I was on them for 6 years but my anxiety was so bad that I always had my physical sensations on them outside. I sometimes don’t go out cause I don’t feel emotional too. I want my emotions in a way too. the Zyprexa was bad on this in fact. It was literally killing my positive emotions, I was in pain with the Zyprexa alone…
Yeah, like you I was faking to be normal too. But it was a pain, I know…
Yeah I understand I think my AP blunts my positive emotions too. Some days I can feel pretty depressed, zombie like but with terrible anxiety. I really do understand. I tend to isolate too until the cabin fever gets so bad I do a little outing. I’m not on benzo’s either my doc doesn’t like them. I take gabapentin and l theanine. It’s like a balancing act for me. If I feel like I’m depressed/zombie like I have a coffee, two tops. If I have too much coffee the anxiety gets unbearable and I take gabapentin/l theanine and wait it out. I feel for you I really do, hope the lithium helps.
Anna1 try to work with ur pdoc and tell her about rispridal it is not same as invega… think about it …u are a good human being…
@Anna1 I can relate too to the feeling of not being able to put in more effort. When we are mentally ill, we have to try our best every day and most of us do, just because to do the opposite is even harder. If you are going to rest at home, at least rest in style. Put up some calm or inspiring pictures or posters on your wall. I subscribe to 8tracks and play music from there. Maybe try a nice sweet and calming honey camomile tea. Try a nice meditation app for deep breathing. If you can, try day treatment or intensive therapy. Helps you think positive thoughts. Put on lotion. Do a little exercise. Make a to do list of small things like walking and eating healthy every day. Take a bath.
You will go out when you are ready
Two months on lithium isn’t long
@shellys12, thank you dear! Regarding the fact that I was very ill for veeery long time, I hope that I need time now yes But it sucks, I don’t do anything more almost besides trying to keep my home relatively clean(not very clean though) and I go out to throw my rubbish wow… Idk, I just feel outside that the others will see that I am crazy or they’ll be scared from me, but my doc said something du style that this is not so much psychotic but another kind of symptom… I cannot stop feeling guilty no. My mom is old and she says that she does everything for me beyond her strength already too…
@finally, Zyprexa also puts me dark thoughts. I was feeling even suicidal on it, its not only the emotions, it was all bad… But I cant stop it for the moment. I am a bit stuck with it you see? 
sorry to complain, I seem terrible wow, but I wasn’t living on this earth for years and I was just sitting here like some dumb zombie…
I dream a lot andey Sometimes my mind just clears up the pressure that I have. Sometimes, I just almost have like a second life in my dreams. I often wake up and I remember quite good what I dreamed about… why this question?
Because maybe your dreams can teach you something about your wishes and desires.
For example, if you dream of animals, you could adopt a pet. Or if you dream of singing, you cold sing more when you are awake.
This is why I asked
Two magic and vulgar words: ■■■■ it
mods forgive me lol
i know what you say and think about getting tired of it part.
Since i was a kid, wanted to rip my face off because of my deformity. Once, I actually though as a teen. “what if i cut it off?”
FYI It covers half my face. I was going to get a scalple and careful skin myself, half of my face, right of my skull.
As adult, i have the knowledge and skill to actually do this now. But i also have knowledge it wont help.(cause not a plastic surgeon.) and yet Sometimes i still feel tempeted. I am that tired of it.
So i keep it. i am not going to lie. people’s looks and comment are things i still find depressing and nerve racking and anger causing.
I still go out (cause fuck it)
Haha yeah exactly I understand the feeling. How do people think of me, I have nothing going for me I’m 26 and not at a job and am fatter than I want to be. But I say “■■■■ it.” Go out and get a fancy drink and lounge and not care what others think… Though I do carry a book bag outside now and get less “looks” because people think I’m a student. Otherwise it is weird looks why a grown and healthy person carrying a Kate spade bag on the bus is not dressed in business attire… I’m sick of it. The endless judgement from others… ■■■■ it!
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