I feel devasted TW self harm

Hello, just want to see if anyone can relate to this. I must warning there are some triggers in this I think…

I have schizoaffective disorder and yesterday I was lying on my bed and thinking about life, about my failures and about the voices I hear everyday in my head (even with medication). I started to have suicidal thoughts and how to do it, then I thought about my mother and grandmother and felt sorry for them. Then the thought that I still couldn’t commit suicide because of them. But I had to do something I was really feeling anxious and shitty, so I went to the kitchen and got a knife. I didn’t really cut myself deepply but I did some scratches. Then I went to the ER, which ended with then giving me some new medication and sending me home… Feeling better today and without these thoughts but still kinda bad. I also feel lonely. I wouldn’t mind having someone to talk to about that, I do have friends but I’m too ashamed to tell them what I did…
I don’t know if you can post about these things here so please say something.

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You did the right thing by going to the hospital. I hope your new med helps you. Take it easy for a couple weeks while your body adjusts to it.

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Sorry to hear this
Hope you feel a lot better soon
:hugs:

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Thanks, I hope I feel better soon too.

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I can empathize completely. I have purple scars on my arm. I have to wear them for life now. You did the right thing by going to the ER. And as always I keep an open mailbox so PM me if you wish

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I still can’t because I’m new here. But I will when I can :slight_smile:

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Well you’ll catch on and learn the mannerisms of all the members. Was there something you wanted to talk about specifically with regards to the cutting or do you have other things that are bothering you?

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I just would like to have people that would understand me, if you know what I mean…

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Going to the ER was good, but I’d probably wager it didn’t feel like they helped you as much as you were hoping… it’s pretty typical for them to downplay “non-lethal” self-mutilation and not really understand the enormous emotional pain behind it. Hopefully the meds they gave you will help, but still get in contact with your therapist or pdoc and let them know how overwhelming your thoughts feel. My arms are a battlefield of cut and burn scars and it’s a terrible tattoo to wear.

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I know very well what you mean. Sza/sz are about 1% of the population so most normies can’t or won’t understand. But to varying degrees we can understand each other. :slight_smile:

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I also had some scars on my other left arm, did a tattoo to hide it. now it looks better, but I still remember the pain behing it…

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I mean the psychological pain mostly…

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I cut to dampen the psychological pain. I’d rather redirect the pain elsewhere in a physical way.

Yes, there are people that think I’m crazy others that never heard of the illness at all or think it’s something like multiple personality (a girl once asked if I had that).

Yeah, I know what you mean… it’s so common for them to write it off as “attention-seeking” behavior when it’s really the feeling of being overwhelmed by symptoms from the sza. Sometimes it earns a person the “borderline” label and once you have that you’ll NEVER be taken seriously about your sza symptoms. I speak from experience.

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Yes, that was the reason I did it too, also I thought I had to punish myself…

Yes many of us have heard the multiple personality perception before. You can do all you can o hide it but sometimes the symptoms seep into life.

I was misdiagnosed as borderline, then the doctor said he had diagnosed me wrongly.

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I may be borderline myself but it still hurts no matter what the label is. Schiz suck azz

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Yes, I don’t think the label is the most important thing in the illness but the way you suffer, deal and cope with it. And the treatment of course…

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