It takes too much effort to live. If I had to die right now I wouldn’t mind. I feel like the living dead. Empty. And I just came out of hospital last week… wanna bleed away to oblivion. What’s the use of living? Only my husband keeps me going. … …
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Sz is complex…!!! Time wil heal…!!!
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Live for your loved ones
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It’s going to take some time @Hadeda.
You just got out of the hospital.
Continue to take your meds as prescribed.
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It doesn’t matter we saw each other i will still love me. hope you can do the same. you are still you.find your comforts.
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My hospitalisation experience was frustrating actually because I rushed to get out of there due to my husband not coping without me. So we sort of lied to doctors saying stresses sorted out. I think that’s why drs misdiagnosed me with mere anxiety disorder which I do have but they overlooked my sz. Because I rushed to get out. Feel like I was not there long enough sometimes although I am also glad to be home. I feel like I was kicked out sometimes bcuz they didn’t follow me up with outpatients but made me go back to private pdoc. Feel cheated in a way. And I cheated too. Which I half regret.
Hang in there! And i’ll do the same. Living for me is rough right now but I love my family. I can’t give up right now or ever. So hold on tight and i’ll Do the same
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Good luck to you @Hadeda!!! I have felt that way before too but soon you will turn a corner and find hope, and reasons to go on.
Can I ask you? Why did you feel the need to deny your stress and lie to the doctor?
They are their to talk to…and sorting out your reasons for stress is the only way to get rid of it
In some situations you need to put yourself and your recovery first. You can’t help your husband if you’re not healthy.
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I sort of lied to doctors bcuz my husband wasn’t coping well without me. And I did start feeling better. I didn’t think there was anything more they could do for me and my meds were increased already and I was already three weeks in hospital so I wanted and my husband wanted me to come home.
It was a few days or so after that, that I started feeling dead. And worsened again. Maybe due to the stress again but today no stress and still feel dead and nothing.
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I’ve been there too, @Hadeda, and had to just go through the motions so many times over the years. I still do sometimes, just go on “auto-pilot” to get through a time of not wanting to be here anymore.
I will always rather be in eternity as I believe it to be, but if I had gone at any of the times I came close to ending my life, I would have missed so much. Even the times when I just did what I was supposed to do, to raise my son and work, etc., were so worth it to see another day that surprised me with maybe a moment of happiness. My son’s happiness if not my own. It’s worth it.
It’s also ok to get more help when you know you need it. I hobbled through and so do you, but if you get more help maybe you can give more too and function better for yourself and those around you. Most people, when they’re wounded, go and get treatment and heal before they resume normal activities. But when it’s the mind that’s wounded, for some reason we deny ourselves the right to heal before so much is expected…
Anyway, please do get more help, @Hadeda, and be kind to yourself. 
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I’m starting depakote. Hope it helps
I see saadiqah. I didn’t know you were being misunderstood by the doctor. I guess you know the best thing to do. I have been in that position before and I did the same as you. I feel pretty empty some days too. I think its part of my illness. Schizophrenia effects your ability to feel things for sure. I hate that part of schizophrenia so much!! Like i have heard so many people treat me like I’m not even human because of the symptom of not feeling anything…it hurts a lot!
I wish people would understand its not in our control it is a sickness and we do not want it or deserve it!
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I’ve really just learned to ride out the hard times, they do pass. some meds can make it easier but its not a rose garden. frankly sometimes life is just hard. maybe i need a mood stablelizer?
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Seems like you need time to yourself for you to figure out your problems. Time for you… just you… Of course your not better The doctors couldn’t properly treat you because of the deception. They only know what you tell them. Husband needs to understand that in order for him to have you , them you need to be healthy. Good luck 
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