Yesterday my husband and I had an argument about something small, like we usually do. When I don’t feel listened to, I yell. My husband called me a bully. That’s a horrible thing to call me.
We both said we were sorry for arguing, but he still thinks I’m a bully because he didn’t take it back. And he’s said it before.
I’m hurt. I feel unheard and misunderstood and falsely accused… I’m venting. Where else can I go to vent?
Is anyone who raises their voice a bully? Should I never start yelling?
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its not ur fault hedge hog !!! Hope u guys find mutual solution to ur problem soon…!!! ur a kind woman…!!! peace and take care …!!!
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Thanks, @far_cry0. 
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u are always welcome hedge hog …!!! u are a pretty lady …!!!
That’s so sweet. Thank you so much. I do have a temper, @far_cry0. I grew up in a large family where you had to yell to be heard, and I’ve been the victim of bullying. I tried to explain the difference to my husband, but he won’t let it go. There’s a difference between trying to be heard and threatening someone. A bully threatens, and I don’t at all. I just say the same things loudly…
Anyway, I appreciate your kindness, @far_cry0. 
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Unfortunately, bullying is kind of subjective, based on the experience of the one who feels bullied. If he is feeling bullied, maybe it’s time to work on changing your habits so he no longer feels that way. Can you maybe go to anger management classes or something to learn how to communicate without yelling? I know I would get very upset if Mr. Star yelled at me, even if he wasn’t doing it to hurt me.
There are tactics you can use to keep control of your emotions during an argument. You can take deep breaths and count to ten before responding. You can agree to only argue via text messages or email, because writing things down makes you think about them more. You can excuse yourself from the argument for a few minutes to calm down.
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I agree that I need to stop and breathe before I let myself get upset enough to yell. I’m not saying anything different when I yell, though, then when I talk calmly. I just get loud, not hurtful…
This is the definition of bullying:
bully
verb [ T ] US /ˈbʊl·i/
to threaten to hurt someone, often frightening that person into doing something:
He managed to bully her into giving him her car.
bully
noun [ U ] /ˈbʊl·i/
a person who threatens to hurt someone, often forcing that person to do something:
I’ve been bullied. It’s really different from just raising the volume. To be called a bully is deeply hurtful to me.
But, the fact is, my husband doesn’t like a raised volume so I will work on that. I appreciate your advice, @Ninjastar.
Do you think raising your voice hurts your husband’s feelings? I usually can accomplish my goal without hurting someone’s feelings, but sometimes, unintentionally, I hurt someone’s feelings (they either tell me or I can feel it). I apologize to them, learn from it, and move forward with my day.
I don’t think you’re a bully, but you may be hurting your husband’s feelings by raising your voice.
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I was never one for raising my voice by yelling, I think most heated discussions can be conducted without yelling,
I think a bully tries to make there subject uncomfortable someone who try’s to get the better of someone
I raise my voice when I get agitated, too. It’s because I lived with my uncles for some years in my teens and early 20’s, one an alcoholic, one an alcoholic and crystal meth abuser, who all had severe anger issues, especially the meth uncle.
Meth uncle would get two inches from my face and shout in my face about random stuff (i.e. don’t use the shower when I’m home or if you bring home tacos you better bring home tacos for me, too). He’d back me up against the wall and shout and do physical movements like he was going to get physical or something…the only thing that would get him away was to shout even louder.
I think it just became an ingrained reflex; when cornered yell. It’s just a bad coping device, but I don’t think it means I (or you) am a bully.
Can you run out of the room and text him instead of talking? If I get cornered, my reflex is to shout and get mean eyes, so now I try to leave room asap and come back with a torrent of texts to whoever it was and I won’t talk to them in person, because I find that I lose control of my voice if I do and also I am more thorough in communication if I just text as opposed to speaking.
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they say we raise our voice when there is distance between 2 people,so that we wanna be heard dunno if this is the situation here.
Thank you, @HQuinn. I grew up the seventh child in an angry family… Everyone yelled and if I wanted to be heard, I had to yell… And then I was actually a sweet and quiet young adult who got abused and stepped on regularly. I started yelling to be heard and for protection.
I really like what you say about it just being a bad coping device. I’m not a bad person, but I have a bad coping device. That speaks to me. I need a better coping device. Thank you 
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I think my husband’s dad used to yell a lot and say hurtful things and my husband got beat with a belt sometimes. He’s a very gentle and sensitive person who never yells. I’m going to work on this.
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