I dont think I'll graduate

[anon57496651]

I really am ambitious. But I need to let myself recover and be well. I have four classes left total and I will have the certificate. Its not an associates or bachelors. Its not a degree. But its something…and its something to fill the time up with to keep my mind active. I take one class per semester. that’s technically part time but for some reason I think the college has me down as full time so the grant pays for the class.

I might volunteer or do something in the future with the certificate. I might not even finish the certificate. Its just been helpful to take a class instead of doing nothing all the time. In the future I may sign up for the free courses online and just take them for free not for grades. I have an A in my social work class so Im really proud of myself.

The future is such an extreme word. I dont like thinking about it. The future seems bleak. I want to put as much love, hope and optimism as I can into the future.

I need to join some sort of recovery group. I need people there who will keep me from relapsing. I realize Im too fragile to be an addictions counselor or therapist yet. I also want to join a group to help with depression and other things.

Moving into HUD housing will probably help connect me to more groups. Its been difficult living with my mom, and I think my dad cant afford the house anymore so he’s selling the house.

I want things to miraculously change for the better and maybe they will, but lately my health is on the decline and my mental health is fragile so maybe moving into this assisted living will give me some time to recover. I havent lived on my own in awhile…but this will be different, and my mom hasnt been well for awhile so it might be better for me to be out on my own.

There’s a part of me that feels like Im being thrown away. And there is a part of me thats paranoid that its a government trap or some kind of evil psychic program to destroy my abilties. My brother thinks that the house Im living in right now is haunted. I think my dad is going to sell the house. My dads life has gotten better since he moved out.

My paranoia isnt so bad, but its lingering beneath the surface…Im trying to confront it. the microchipping one I cant seem to confront easily so I just dont think about it…or try and think differently…there hasn’t been any paranormal activity in the house lately. I find that ironic since Im about to move out. Or maybe I finally got rid of whatever was haunting the house I have no idea. But my brother says he still thinks its haunted or in his terms “has bad vibes”

[Jinx]

When I moved out from under my dad I felt better and different but it took a long time to work out my problems, a lot of time unable to do much. I read just a little. For awhile I wrote snail mail letters but had to stop. I listened to national public radio a lot, which was interesting at times. I studied Spanish and watched the science channel but for the most part I did absolutely nothing and it was very bad. I wanted to work but knew I wasn’t able, felt guilty about not working and wasting my time. I enjoyed walking more than anything but only did that four times a week. After I’d been out of work for about twenty five years I started to relax, picked the guitar back up and started reading again. Then I learned a way to draw and enjoyed posting pictures on Facebook. Now I’m letting go of books and playing mandolin and guitar an hour every day. I gave up Spanish because I didn’t have the time and started writing again. I discovered YouTube just last year but it is not all it’s cracked up to be. I figured out why I was angry inside. I have akathesia now from taking antipsychotics for thirty five years but no tardive dyskinesia and I’m still relatively relaxed except some nights when I’m up alone it’s a hell but I can just take a sleeping pill. I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to school. I don’t expect too much out of myself now, except for playing my musical instruments.

[77nick77]

Does your school have services for the disabled? You might be able to get accommodations for your class like more time than usual to take tests and being able to take tests in an empty classroom with no distractions. I would recommend taking advantage of any tutoring services available.