I feel so terrible. The homicidal thoughts towards my husband whom I love so much just don’t stop. I keep on seeing knives and blood in my mind and I’ve even had to stop reading my favourite crime thrillers because I can’t deal with this right now. My husband asks what’s wrong and I cannot tell him because it could scare him. I don’t know what to do to get rid of these horrible thoughts the evil spirit places in my head. I’m so in despair I don’t know how to cope. Each time I see my husband I think of him dead and I can’t take it anymore. I just want to enact it on myself by self harm or I’d give up in life. ■■■■, I can’t take it anymore
I want my husband to take over and help me but he doesn’t know what to do because I don’t tell him what to do to help, or the depth of my thoughts and aliens thoughts in my head. I’m turning into a monster. I’m scared I’m just seeking attention and being a fake melodramatic ■■■■■. I wish he’d take over and help me because I can’t make decisions for my care right now.
I managed to drag myself to shops and also bought drama books to read instead of crime, but there’s no interest in it now. I’m empty and I don’t know why and how long this will carry on.
How much homicidal thoughts are normal and how often is it not normal? Am I overreacting? Or am I in danger?
From what you’ve posted, it sounds like you love your husband very much and don’t wish to hurt him.
These sound like very severe intrusive thoughts that are really causing you a lot of anguish and pain.
I would recommend letting go of the notion that you have an evil spirit in your head named Alien-- that’s not doing you any favors. Same with the good spirit, as much solace as the thought brings you.
You suffer from mental illness, and you need help and care at this time.
I hope you get the help you need right now, @Hadeda.
Homicidal, self harm, and alien thoughts are not normal. You need help. You say you need help, and don’t know who to turn to – get yourself to an ER.
At the very least, call your pdoc. I’m not a doctor or here to diagnose, but maybe you need different meds. It seems the ones you are on aren’t working.
It’s not like medications somehow makes specific ideas go away as if by magic. If they act at all, they act more globally. They can make you more incredulous, or less so, in general, but they don’t zoom in on ideas that you want to get rid of. In other words, they could make you unsure about positive beliefs that you want to keep.
I’d suggest trying a SSRI to see if it helps reduce the intensity of the compulsive thoughts.
Logic and rationale has to come from the individual. Sometimes it comes from an outside source, such as a person on an anonymous schizophrenia forum who used to hear voices and believe they were real beings as well.
And by personifying auditory hallucinations it gives them further credence while the sufferer relinquishes their own autonomy.
It’s no good to go around believing one has spirits in their head that insert wicked thoughts and images into their minds.
Trust me, I dealt with this for around 5 years.
It wasn’t until I got on the appropriate medication and sought help that I was able to let logic override these hallucinatory experiences.
They may not be “persons” in the usual sense of the word, but they are apparently existing and autonomous entities. I tend to believe that they are alter personalities that somehow have found some way to use the brain to create hallucinations for the main personality. In DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) some of the alters can take over and control the whole body periodically. I think most people have alters, but they go unnoticed because they don’t take control or create hallucinations. Whether alters are spirits would seem to depend mainly on whether you believe in the existence of the spiritual dimension, ie. the soul. Even if you’re a non-believer, you have to concede that these entities exist in some shape or form, such as a semi-autonomous cluster of neurons that is not properly integrated with the rest of the brain.
