This evening ,while watching tv, I discovered and decided that I am most afraid of myself. Other people upset me; by their self-righteousness, criticism, and judgemental words towards me and my condition and actions; especially my mother, former supervisors and co-workers, medical providers, and other authority figures. My mother doesn’t like it when I tell her I’m doing the best I can; especially in regards to finances. That’s the only imperfection of mine most seen by her. Today, she was upset with me by what I spent at the grocery store. She went on about how she doesn’t spend that much and I should stop drinking Diet Sodas. Some who read this post may agree with her. That is your right. I, then, bothered my therapist about this stuff and felt awful later. Mostly, what I want to say is that something about me frightens me and I am not sure what or why that is. I think at night, I lie awake unconsciously thinking about whatever it might be. Does anyone else out there get scared of themselves at times? I am just curious. I guess I want to know. Am I alone in this thought/feeling?
Yes. I scare myself sometimes. I have a few violent tendencies underlying a cool exterior.
Its continuous. The world is just getting ugly. I keep looking for places to hide. I don’t even know what to do anymore.
i only scare my self when i look in the mirror…wtf…AAAARRhhhhhhhh.
but seriously you are a beautiful person…you say nice things…you are supportive.
who can be afraid of someone like that !!
maybe write on a piece of paper the good things about yourself…and the good things you do each day…no matter how small.
know some one cares
Thank you for your kind word. You, also, are always very supportive and kind. You sound like my therapist. I don’t like looking in mirrors or seeing my reflections in the windows, either. But, this “scary” is a deeper kind of scary than looking in mirrors or even being afraid you’ll holler at someone because of the symptoms of the disease. This is weird; but, I am at a loss for words. I have felt this way many times throughout my life. It’s something that almost can’t be defined. Yet it is definitely there. It haunts me always and never seems to go away-no matter what I do or even what meds I take. I just don’t know. Thanks again, Darkstith. You are such a gentle soul.
This post really makes me think. I guess on one hand I could say I’m most afraid of myself because I’m so suicidal at times I don’t care about my well-being which is frightening. However I notice my body reacts to heights, sharks, and open water more so than to myself. If you could clarify your feelings anymore I’d like to hear it. Like do you get bodily sensations when you scare yourself? When you say you scare yourself, do you mean by your actions or thoughts?
Lately I’ve been fearing myself and what I could do to myself. The voices/hallucinations have been very negative in nature ever urging me to do self harm. So far I have no desire to do this to myself, I don’t want to create scars on myself, I don’t want to kill myself…though I have been very depressed and at times the images of the world just disappearing from me seems welcoming. I quickly go onto do something to distract my thoughts until the mood passes…but the thing frightening me the most is the frequencies in which these episodes are increasing.
I take all my meds, then I get depressed because I’m on all those meds…and yet I still hear voices. I mean I’m on 800 MG of Seroquel XR, the most I’ve ever been on…not to mention the other drugs I take with it. I don’t want to add more drugs to the system. but the images are rather disturbing, and sometimes I wonder how much further I can push them away from me before they become overbearing.
I’ll give you a little history on my condition with drugs and see if it helps. I was on 600mg seroquel, ativan, xanax, and several other drugs. It didn’t help much, I was in and out of the hospital and hearing voices, etc. I’m seeing a new psychiatrist who reduced my meds to two. Lexapro and Latuda. So far I’ve seen a change in my hallucinations and delusions but not my depression. This could also be coincidental because the further I get away from my initial onset, the better I probably become. But if it’s of any value that’s my short story.
I am pretty darn scared of myself. My own brain outranks everything else in my life by FAR as the thing that’s caused me the most suffering. My subconscious is cruel and vicious and I absolutely fear it.
Some criticism is beneficial and some is not. If you can learn to decipher between the two you’ll be way better off because you just trash the unhelpful criticisms!
I am scare of myself.I am fearful
Thank you for all of your posts and exploring you deepest, darkest fears of yourself. Please keep posting if you read my initial one and subsequent responses. I really appreciate theGreatest Dr Zen’s posted picture. I wish I had a working printer to print it and put on my bathroom mirror. I should take one with me in my purse when I go out. The reflections in the windows scare and depress me.
For FranzKafka, many times; it truly is a bodily sensation that I feel in my stomach and in my skin. I guess it might be like anxiety. I have always suffered from extreme anxiety; in addition, to everything else. It also just an overwhelming thought that permeates my brain night and day. Maybe, I can’t really totally describe it; but it is there and never leaves-not even with medication, therapy, communicating with my beloved feline companion and “right living.” I don’t know how I got it or where it came from. It is not existential as my “late” father would like it to be. It just is and I must conquer its imposition to live each moment of each day.
I am scarring myself a little.
When I look in the mirror I see how much fat is on me. I controlled it before with diet but am afraid I cant do that diet anymore.
I am scared I might become and alcoholic with all these people seem so happy because of their beer.
I am scarred I am not carring that much about doing my job around the house.
My medication eases my fear of me losing control of me.
Whats scary is I want to sleep so much of life away, But sleeping does ease my symptoms.