HEllo everyone
its me, zanynotstoopid
some of you may remember me.
Not so well updates. I know some remember I was married, no longer, she left me for an ex-boyfriend and took our children.
anyways
it’s been 2 and a half years and I still feel the weight of everything that happened so much so that my new girlfriend is fed up with it.and she cant go a day without me reliving some aspect of it in some sort of way. and I seriously mean it.
like when I sleep i thrash around a nd wake up a lot screaming “WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO MEEEE” and I shout a lot and have night terrors about that month of my life.
my new gf also has to deal with my extreme jealousy and paranoia because of the situation with the whore mother of my children ( she also likes to think for some reason I still want her back even tough I wish for the crows to swoop down and peck and rip at her putrid ■■■■ hole like the brothers grimm tales style anyways.
When we first got together my new gf was still in contact with her most recent ex and I got super crazy when I found out when I went to visit her because we met online.
(BEFORE ANYONE SAY ANYTHING I WAS CRYSTAL CLEAR AND 1,000% HONEST ABOUT ME, MY LIFE, MY PAST, AND EVERYTHING TO THIS NEW GIRL NO BUULLSHIT THATS NOT HOW I ROLL)
Ever since that incident of seeing her talking to him and playing video games with him it’s been a ■■■■■■■ thorn in my brain and it’ literally changed how I treat her.
I can’t look at her without suspecting something, she locks her phone because I will be honest I have had a horrible issue of snooping and finding things to get upset about (because I feel like women are always hiding ■■■■ now because of the last one)
and
what Im trying to ask is how do I just stop guys
im seriously begging for advice I haven’t been medicated since montana which was 2 or 3 years ago now andim in adifferent sate now
I am sure I’ve aready lost her but im hanging on a string to try and save things.
I keep trying to calm down ad then get back into being nice but it’s like when I feel any sort of slighted or ANYTHING like that feeling I instantly disconnect and I straight up just dont care anymore because I swore I would be more selfish and not let people take advantage of me and stand up for myself so I dont get ran around an dplyed again
this new gf i even broke down crying to when we were fighting and I told her “you literally have te power to ruin my life and you act like I’m the one with leverage”
I already know people are going to tell me straight up “bro you should NOT be in a relationship” I know. I even warned this girl straight up multiple times about my diagnoses and my life story with nothing withheld.
Love and feeling secure in my romantic endeavours is starting to honestly feel like a luxury I will never have
Trust is a mystery thing, yea, I’ve certainly had my fair share of trust stuffs
I hope it will work out for you… Give it time… And maybe do some journaling and see a therapist if it’s cheap enough. Work on believing that you are worthy of being a monogamous life partner not just u but really try to believe it’s just u two.
I find working on integrity is going to maybe help me… And my self esteem, thus security, by integrity I mean, attempting to align my thoughts, words and behaviour. It’s a life process but to start it is all dat matters
As Einstein says life is like a bike ride, you gotta keep moving, in order to keep the balance.
Anyway this is just an outsiders perspective so don’t need to take my words as the gospel truth,
You’re entitled to seek romantic happiness just like everyone else.
But jealousy has only brought misery into my life. And I don’t think this lady staying by your side right now has got ill intentions. And she definitely can’t act as your therapist. If you need to vent (sounds like you do, a lot) - perhaps a professional will be more capable of providing the help you need.
I agree with @Zoe and @Andrey It sounds like have a lot of trauma from your ex-wife that you need to work through with a therapist. If you really want to save your current relationship then you need to make some changes in how you are treating your current girlfriend. She is having to pay the price for your past trauma and it is not fair to her.
I agree that you seem to be in desperate need of a trauma therapist.
If you love your current gf, you need to do one of two things
control your behavior around her. Don’t just try, don’t just work on it. Actually succeed. Never again allow yourself to act on your paranoia. Not even one more time. You cannot love someone and repeatedly hurt them over and over, regardless of the reason. That is the point where it becomes abuse.
If you are unable to control your behavior, you need to leave. It is understandable if your mental health is so strained that you are unable to keep yourself in check. It is not understandable to expose someone else to that over and over again. Go to the hospital, get on meds, get into intensive treatment, whatever it takes. There is help out there for you. It is your job to find it and take it.
At this point, it sounds like all you are doing is making sure that, a few months from now, she is just as traumatized over horrible exes as you are now.