@Joker , I am going to go ahead and list the hotlines for you, just on the off chance that you want to use them. Feel free to ignore if you want to, but it probably would be a good idea for you to talk to someone in real time. I’m not sure if I should unlist this thread or not, since you did not make an explicit threat, but it seems implied.
If you are feeling suicidal or having a mental health crisis, please tell someone — a friend or family member, a teacher, a doctor or therapist or call 911 (if you’re in the U.S.) or the Emergency Medical Services phone number in your country.
You can also call a crisis intervention hotline—these are available in the U.S. and in many other countries. You do not need to be actively suicidal to benefit from a crisis hotline.
International crisis hotlines:
Crisis hotlines in the U.S.:
https://www.thetrevorproject.org
More resources: