I just did a search on some old friends I had before schizophrenia
My best friend is dead
Another one is married
And another is engaged
And another in college
Really I might be jealous, I’m doing psychosocial rehab, barely clinging onto content, barely well enough to do anything, while my peers turned out ok
I know it’s wrong to compare myself to others, because you will always be disappointed in yerself
But the years between knowing them and now has NOT been kind to me
Welcome to the club. I’m 44, had schizophrenia for 18 years, been single the whole time, had to drop out of University, and live with my parents, lol. Everyone I know is more successful than me
Ya gotta learn to be happy and not compare yourself to others.
I feel like a loser. Sometimes I just remind myself I have a brain disease and that might be why I never amounted to much. Sometimes I think to myself had I never gotten schizophrenia I’d probably still be a loser. I can’t ever know for sure. I’m not envious about people I grew up with being successful, having families, owning a house and all that. I’m actually glad for them. What saddens me sometimes is that I will never know what it feels like to be viewed as a productive member of society. I’m just that guy who was smart and went crazy.
I really don’t mean to belittle anyone that walks with a limp when I say this, in fact I make the comparison to show how it relates in my mind, so… some people are born with one leg significantly shorter than the other, they may never quite run like people born with what would be considered a healthy leg, well to me that leg is my brain. Usually people hear “mental illness” and it’s like “That person has a mental problem.” Yes there is truth behind that but it is also a physical problem with the brain. It simply isn’t visible without technology that can show images of dopamine produced by what would be a “healthy” brain. Much like a shorter leg (and yes I know we don’t have two brains… but I mean I’m not a neurologist,) it’s just the thought of realizing that it is a physical disease of the brain apart from having a mental disorder, well somehow it lessens the shame (although not quite the word I was looking for but describes more or less [what]) I feel about having schizophrenia.
