So everything seems perfect, I FINALLY was able to pass a drug test after 8 months abstaining from THC and even longer of trying and failing to quit before that. I was ready to work again. And then, for some reason, i suggested my husband and I do edibles on our anniversary to make it “extra special” and he agreed. I figured whats the harm its one time and a small dose it should leave my system soon. (I have no idea why after 8 months of facing temptations and turning them down I suddenly broke like that.)
Anyways we did indeed just use them for our anniversary. A month passed no issues. And then one night, out of the blue, it was late and I was up playing videogames when I felt a STRONG urge to take an edible. I didn’t understand why and I knew it was a terrible idea. I did it anyways. That was where the spiraling began. This time I didn’t get lucky and addiction sucked me back in. I convinced myself this would be a one time thing too-after all I had been able to do so for our anniversary, why not now too?
Well the next day comes and I was watching a show with my mom when she confesses to me that she was sexually abused as a child. This ended up turning into me admitting I had experience hallucinations of abuse growing up and we both cried together. I’m not going to lie learning about what happened to my mom REALLY messed me up. Not just what happened to her but the attitude she had towards it too, making excuses for her abusers, saying how heartbroken and abandoned by her parents she felt, etc. Not only that but it made the memories of my abuse fresh again.
Unsurprisingly I ended up taking edibles again that night. And the next night. And then the next day and night. You know how it goes. I gain tolerance to THC extremely rapidly and practically have to double my dose every 2-3 days to get the same effect so it very quickly turns into heavy usage. And for some idiot reason I stopped taking my meds at the same time. I really just didn’t care. It felt like I had hit rock bottom.
Anyways this time my husband (and our lack of money to afford edibles) intervened and basically said we aren’t doing this again. He cheered me up and motivated me to try to get myself back on track again. I havent taken any edibles in 2 days now but not by choice, honestly. As I said my addiction has reared its ugly head this time. The edibles are all I think about all day, and the cravings are intense and horrible, painful even. Today I was feeling horribly angry and depressed about it.
I have started taking my meds again, thankfully, as I started noticing i was beginning to show signs of mania again…(unsurprising, the thc triggers my mania).
There is just so, so many stressors in my life right now. Tons of financial stressors, family stressors, my mental illness stressors, the list just goes on and on. I am fighting so hard to stay afloat but it feels impossible a lot of days. During that solid week I just got high every day it felt like I had given up.
Well I’m not giving up anymore but I am still at a loss for what to do about the THC right now. My addiction is active and I absolutely cannot control myself around edibles right now. If I had money, I would probably buy edibles. If my mom gets more edibles for herself I will probably sneak them. I know my husband is right and the best and smartest thing is to just power through the cravings and quit. But I have never successfully quit using edibles in this state. I have only managed to quit before when a) my tolerance levels were so high basically no dose of thc I could afford could get me high anyways and I was just getting bad side effects and b) I used so much it made me violently ill and I physically had to stop using it. So I am apprehensive. I have a meeting with my therapist and pdoc next week so I’ll try to figure things out then.
summary: Relapsed in edible use after 8 months clean and stopped taking my meds both for like a week and a half. A lot of heavy stuff in my life right now and I really had just given up. My husband saved me and convinced me to keep fighting. I’ve been off edibles now 2 days but my addiction is active again and I am craving them so so terribly bad and absolutely could not control myself around them, but my husband isn’t getting me any and we have no money to get any anyways. My mom takes edibles too and I am worried if she gets more in my desperation I will steal some of hers as I have done in the past…I am going to discuss solutions w my care team next week. I feel motivated to fight again but I’m really just being hammered by addiction currently and my stress levels aren’t helping.
