I’m still suffering, I’m still dead. I look in the mirror and see the dead looking back, I smell of infection and decay and everyone is too polite to mention it. I’m putting on as much smellies as I can, I pondered walking to the morgue this morning.
I told my mum the other day about getting through the summer, (I tried telling her about this but she didn’t really get it, she wasn’t in the frame to listen and I’m embarrassed to tell again) maybe increase meds, she didn’t agree, said I need to stop relying on pills and help myself. But I feel this is going badly I’m feeling very low, I don’t understand how this is happening, I have a pulse and everything, I’m making myself eat, I’m making myself drink but I don’t see why i should, other than the fact i’m protecting my mother. I’m crying at night, waking up god awful hours only to see myself get killed again. I want this over. I want to cut my skin badly and show everyone when no blood comes to prove I’m dead.
I don’t really know what’s happening. I want to shout at my mum to listen. But she’s very stressed, has only just started her holiday and she’s threatening to send me to my dad’s for two weeks, which is a terrible idea, I’m going anyway but not for two weeks, I want to prove i’m well, there’s nothing wrong with me apart from being a force of nature all of it’s own. I’m scared to tell her what’s happening and want to know the best way to go about it. Any ideas? How do you tell the one’s you love that you are suffering?
I’m struggling to know whether this is real or if everyone is right and that it’s a delusion. But what the hell?! I’ve never experienced anything like this which makes me doubt whether it’s delusion.
sorry to post again, just needed ideas on how to tell mum, it’s incredibly painful saying i’m okay when i’m far from it. This is going to end in disaster if i’m not careful.