Once again I’m mourning the loss of my childhood. How did things become so tangled and disturbed? Who I was before seems like a dream and who I am now is simply a ghost repeating the old motions of who I was when I was living. I don’t know what to think. I was so comfortable with life. I was often frightened but morning always came and I was able to forget about the night before. But I can’t forget anymore. Like a rubber band that’s been stretched one too many times I seem to have lost my resilience and can no longer snap back. I try to do the same old things I loved doing and find my heart’s not in it. I try to act the same old way I’ve always acted and find now it makes me feel angry and bitter. I’m still trapped in some sort of limbo and am not sure how to move on.
All those dark memories had to catch up to me at some point and they weigh on me so greatly now I can’t enjoy the present or evolve further as a person. I’m at a loss.
I often just look at myself and think ‘I’d really like a vacation from being me.’ You know just give me a couple weeks off. Sometimes people carry weight they don’t have to. And sometimes people just are given too much of it. I’m getting to a point where I can’t shrink myself small enough that I can handle things. But still, that works for me more than anything else when I can do it. So maybe binge watch a show you like all day. Or lie in bed listening to music with your headphones. Separate yourself from the world for a bit. Just enough so you can rebuild some of the damage the world has done to you.
I was doing better. Then my family and I moved back to the town we lived in where things really went downhill for me mental health wise, where I had my first major depressive episode and my first major psychotic episode. A lot of seriously painful memories. I think that is what has been making my ptsd flare up so badly. I had nightmares before the move of coming back here and history repeating itself.