To keep it short and simple – at least I’ve had a couple of calm days at my parents’ house. My brother hasn’t gone on a rampage for two nights now. I’m also looking for a job. One kind friend recommended me at her workplace, so I sent in my CV yesterday and I’m honestly almost praying that it works out – the position is really decent.
Overall – I’m struggling. I often sit alone in my room, because I’m angry about the unfairness at home, and that distance helps me maintain some inner peace. At least I’m not experiencing terrible anxiety, as long as I’m away from my brother, his threats, and his lies straight to my face. (For example, a week ago he laughed at me and said, “Aren’t you just as much of a junkie as the rest of us, including me? Just from a different angle? You need meds that make you even more delusional?” I slammed the door and walked out, thinking to myself, “The strongest meds I ever needed were because of you, you idiot – it was your fault I experienced amphetamine-induced psychosis.” This constant lying is destroying me as a person.)
Honestly, I feel so grateful that during one of the darkest, most difficult moments in my life, there wasn’t just one or two—but several people—who reached out to help me.
As for my brother… I know he is not a good person—manipulative and possibly even a sociopathic personality who feels no shame for ruining years of my life—possibly even trying to kill me. By now, my career could’ve been 2-3 times more developed, probably in a field other than communications. Medication, psychosis, hospital stays—on the other hand, all of that is still better than the alternative: that I could’ve died or ended up in a coma from the amount of amphetamines.
But. Why does my mother treat him as if he were just a normal person? She gets happy when his room isn’t covered in vomit or soaked in alcohol, as if that’s some kind of miracle? I honestly don’t see the logic in any of this anymore. Truly. @Joker and my brother is 36 soon… I mean. Wtf
I hope it doesn’t seem like I come to the forum just to unload my burdens. I tend to keep things bottled up for days or even weeks, until I reach a point where I simply can’t hold it in anymore.
I know what I need to do — I’m looking for a job and will try to work towards getting my own place, even if it’s small.
But for now, while I’m still here, everything keeps boiling inside. I sleep so much that it honestly seems like a sign of depression.
I remember during about the 3rd or 4th therapy session, my therapist told me very directly — “It doesn’t matter how or where, even if it’s sharing rent with some old lady in a tiny apartment… Do whatever it takes to make sure that living in your parents’ home (especially because your brother is genuinely dangerous) doesn’t become your everyday reality. Your safety is the most important thing. Yes, your mental safety — but in this case, also your physical safety!”
And sometimes, I feel blind. I see what’s going on, it’s just that I’ve become so used to it all that I think, well, I’ve endured this long, I’ll keep enduring… But it’s all building up. @Kxev
Sometimes I regret coming back here from my ex-boyfriend’s place. But on the other hand, I have to — I must — stop being financially dependent on anyone (except an employer). When people support us materially, they start to feel like we owe them something.
When bad things were happening around my birthday, I texted my ex, asking for any kind of help — even just emotional support, or a ride to the ATM. He made an excuse, saying that I didn’t explicitly ask for a ride, so he didn’t take me — even though he always used to offer. He has a car, he was sober, and our homes are just a few kilometers apart. There was no help. Not even a happy birthday.
It wasn’t just the chaos at home, but the fact that someone I truly trusted — at least for these kinds of things — completely let me down.
And yet, there were people I didn’t expect help from… and they showed up for me.
I have to admit that I went back on my ADHD medication just to have at least a drop of energy in the mornings. Something is really wrong with me in terms of energy and mood.
Honestly, all the injustice and the addictions around me (my parents’ alcohol use, and my brother’s — literally every existing addiction, both legal and illegal) are doing something very damaging to me. I’ve stopped cleaning my room, and just the thought that tonight might be another sleepless night because of my brother’s yelling makes me want to completely give up.
My father admitted that due to the stress level in the house (and of course the diabetes he refuses to treat), his coordination has gotten really bad — God, it makes me want to cry — and he believes he has no more than five years left to live. I hope he’s wrong (he is only 59 y.o.)… We’re all suffering here.
I have to get out of this place. I’m not able to save any of them. @Kxev
Speaking of hope that things will get better, or about some kind of energy – definitely, yes.
Maybe I’ll need to add fluoxetine (an antidepressant) again alongside the ADHD medication.
There’s this total lack of desire to do anything. And I feel like it’s all because of life circumstances.
The doctor mentioned that it’s neither delusions nor anything else like that – it doesn’t resemble psychosis at all… At least from what I know about depression, this is definitely close to it. @Kxev
I feel like I’ve been getting myself out of my comfort zone lately. Which I think needs to be done..
On another note-
I’m sorry you’re struggling at home.
My older brother was also deeply hooked on meth and alcohol for years and had drug induced psychosis, got into a lot of legal trouble over the years, etc..
It was scary, uncertain times…
Now he’s been clean for idk how long and has a gf/wife and they have a baby together..
There’s still hope for your brother to change.
I’m still sorry you’re having to deal with his crap and that your parents (it sounds like) coddle him…
To me… it feels like signs from fate. Today, within just a few hours, so many things happened.
Tomorrow I have a job interview. The job involves computer work at a small clinic.
They say it’ll most likely work out (a friend strongly recommended me there).
My grandfather… a person who used to avoid family problems, told me: “I love you, and we’ll probably help out with the rent together with grandma.”
How… I feel like crying. Why is everything so chaotic? And yet I’m happy, finally finding a way out…
My father had his heart procedure yesterday new valve was put in his heart. And apparently now he may be suffering a stroke. The doctors are still trying to figure out his condition. He has not had any food in like 36 hours now. My sister is with him now at the hospital. I have to be at home nowWith my mother who is in home hospice.
Medication, psychosis, hospital stays—on the other hand, all of that is still better than the alternative: that I could’ve died or ended up in a coma from the amount of amphetamines.
