Schizophrenia.com

Here's my brief story

OK, all thoughts cross my mind now… it’s still a mess, but I shouldn’t avoid thoughts, as I was doing it before…
So well, here it is… My father was beating till death my mom and my sister since always… I grew up with that around me. I really find myself sick since kid. I was very unhappy, I was in pain even physically since child… I was thinking sickly too. I was having even some images of hell in my head per moments since kid. And this lasted through all my teenage years too, till now in fact…
The problem is that I turned cold and alogic and not being able to act very early in my life… I was walking through life also with a constant suicidal ideation, not wanting to die though, but just in order to stop the emotional pain, who was also physical one :pensive:
I was hating my father, I developed this black and white thinking too… but I didn’t do much to stop his beatings… we even didn’t talk at home lol…
But once, my older sister blamed me, that I didn’t react in the past… But I find myself sick even then… but this was hard to hear from her :disappointed_relieved:
OK, now I want to feel better for the first time in my life… but maybe this coldness of mine and the non reactivity turned into a sz now… my meds don’t help much. Probably cause my story is unique and can’t be helped all by pills, sheesh…
But I felt today like that I deserved my sz… cause I never acted rightly before… OK, I should pardon myself too, but till when I’ll blame myself too gosh? My sister was tough to have said this… I was sick as hell already at the age of ten for God sake… And instead, that my parents monitor me and try to help me, there was just a terror at home…
Well, I was blind before, but I guess the three of us in this family, just got out of that mostly damaged… :sweat: I don’t blame my sister now, but she said that once, yeap… that I wasn’t reacting to the violence on them…
I thought today, that I deserved my sz… maybe this is still a symptom? … anyway… I don’t plan to be blind anymore, but my progress is taking time here… Yeah, maybe we all should forget some things, pardon some others, but the meds don’t help much my recovery still… My pdoc stated even to stop switching aps and pay efforts hah… Maybe it’s all just psychological? Idk… or the truth is, that it was so much terror at my house in the past, that you get out of it completely broken… so maybe I need mostly time to heal, right? :pensive:
For the rest, my father developed some kind of depression in his fifties, maybe it was even a psychosis (ge knew the mental hospitaltoo), started to drink, while he never drank before and died from that… My best friend thinks, that he had remorses, that’s why he went sick later… but it hurts me to think this and about him still… He probably destroyed us for sure, but there was some good too in him… I know this sounds crazy probably, but he felt some love for us too…
I wonder now if he had some mental illness too during his life, but idk…
Anyway… I shouldn’t blame myself, that I didn’t act against his violence? Yeah, now I am a sz but everyone says, that it’s probably genetic lol…
That’s a part of my story… take care all!

You’re a ■■■■■■■ rockstar. You went through so much as a person. Yet, you’re a kind and sweet person. A real life Angel if you will.

Are you the one who works at a mental hospital?

Thats the other Anna

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Oh, thank you, pal… But I even still wonder if I should kill myself , because of my sins :flushed: my sister knows, that I didn’t act against the violence… I did almost nothing @Enlightenedbeing … but I was a kid too back then… a sick kid too… :disappointed_relieved:
But I want to live still… And am kind and plan to remain it, cause too never perpetuate what I saw… no way… this should stop with me… My father was a beaten kid too btw, but idk if he was sick or just cruel… I ignore it… one day, we’ll meet again. There, where’s the truth and something else I guess…
My current pdoc says, that my pains are mostly psychological now, but I have problems to believe it… I told it to you all, it gets even physical too, but maybe a scrwe* up psyche can cause suffering too, right?
Tell me, that I can feel better one day, it’s possible, isn’t it?
Anyway, thanks again… my story is dark, maybe one day I’ll be ashamed by it, idk…

No, it’s not me who works…
I am very sick still, plus I knew an isolation for the last 20 years lol, it affects too…
Gosh, I am a real freak with all that :sweat:

You can’t blame yourself for the actions of another. That is too heavy. YOU WERE JUST A CHILD.

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Yeap, I know… But my sister blamed me once for that… I am not able to think clearly still on the whole situation…
But maybe she just throw her grief on me… it was she who was beaten, not me…

You were just a child. What on earth could you possibly do?

I was a teen once when my dad started to beat my sister, when she was pregnant… I was picking my face skin in front of the mirror (I am dermatillomanic also), I didn’t react almost… I was terrorized though… but I was already very sz even then… I was carrying silently my pain since a kid, so I turned to be a psycho in my teens… But my sister remembers that episode precisely… whatever… anyway, we are sister’s still, I love her…
But do you imagine being mentally in pain since kid, while your family even doesn’t notice it, cause it’s the terror at home? Sheesh…
I started my meds at the age of 27 though… and they didn’t help me on much. But I am not crippled in bed at least with the zyprexa… I guess, the rest now is up to me. I am done trying new meds. One doc said, that I even tried too many… so now I need to fight this with making better my life I guess. But it’s scary that it’s up to me now, not a help from the meds… But maybe cause it’s psychological yeah… I’ll continue trying. I wish I’d hear from someone here, that meds were only a partial help for ghem too and that it was up to something else for a real recovery…
Well, I know that I’ll be fragile till life for the truth, but at least have some life between that… we’ll see, I’ll continue this path lol.

Do you have a therapist? How are they?

This is way out of my league. This is a safe space for you to vent, though.

No, they all used to say in the end to act and go outside more… which I do now…
Plus, I had enough of my story…
I have a good friend, who had a bad family story too and was sz for a while, he guides me a bit…
I am feeling a bit better than years ago though, but there’s still a lot of work to be done, so I’d look as a decent human being lol :slightly_smiling_face:
I’ve told you, I had also an isolation of 20 years, I paid my sins even with that. But so much loneliness, for so long, makes sick too. I hope the time will help me and my efforts will start to pay soon, that’s all.
Hugs to you

I want you to remember Anna that regardless of if you were a teenager that you were still a child. Remember that! :slightly_smiling_face:

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frustrated people say dumb things. My mother once told me if anything happened to my Dad, it would be my fault. (He was depressed). He was her responsibility more than mine, I figure, but it shook me up.

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