I am sad about this now… I see how I function in the relationships with the others… Mostly with my mom 
. Now I understand her to be honest… You know, that I still have my body sensations, caused by fear and pressure, they are painful, but they make me act weird… I sometimes even tell to my mom, that I cant listen to her problems… That’s terrible… I can avoid or hide and am not even help for providing my food, my mom still does this for me, while she is old and tired…
I really live with the hope now, that I will change, I fight for it in my way. But meanwhile, I remain often cold and psychopathic, I see this now 
… I went through hell tbh, even my doc was saying, that my illness is more painful than the common one, but I guess I caused a lot of pain to my mom 
… My sister is another story… She also blamed me that I was insensible when my father was beating them, but I wasn’t it inside of me… Me too I wanted to stop this terror, this violence… Its just that I went sick very early and i was just with my pain… For god sake, i lived in isolation for 20 years folks! … My sister is not right, they also should have saw that my behavior is not normal and its a pain too… But nope, i remained undiagnosed till my 25s and for all this time, since kid, i was in hell, always alone, rejected by friends, partners and everybody…
But anyway… Idk if you also felt cold and how you lived this? Maybe its only me, idk… Its not good to feel guilty about it i guess, but it’ll take me still some time to change it…Its sad though…
Take care
Hang in there @Anna1!
Try baby steps. Start by doing little things for yourself that your mom does for you and build up from there over time. You could start by making your bed every morning, and then work on showering every day, and then maybe dusting and vacuuming and then the laundry. It sounds like a lot, but take your time working your way up. Once you can do things around the house you might have enough confidence to try a part time job
For you others, did you also turn cold like this? I try to change, but it will take me time…
I think my dad was quite cruel, so i think of how psychopathic i went too… Its not nice to know, that i am like this …
Am I the only one here who went cold? I went asocial too, avoidant, running from the others because I feel my somatics from too much stress… I guess some people saw me as a psychopath too, yeap… I went verbally aggressive for a time. Am not proud of this…
But for a very long time, I felt so hellishly unloved, that I turned unhuman… Me too, I was confused on experiencing love too, strange thing…
Now I see how my mom keeps helping me etc, so I hope ill feel loved one day. But yeap, it was written in my hospital file, that I have this ‘‘cold’’ behavior… I don’t know if its common in sz?..
I have this too, in waves. I can be empathetic, in waves, but also incapable of responding to people needs at times. Especially when im overwhelmed. I just have so much work regulating my own thoughts, actions and emotions that those of others dont “fit into my mind”…there is no room. E.g. when im panicking. Also the medication made me more indifferent.
I dont think you should ever feel responsible for your father’s abuse. You were a kid and you were surviving. It was not your fault. It was his fault. Being overwhelmed and not capable of helping people is not psychopathic…You dont seem cold.
Maybe you have empathy when you need it? Just a theory
How do you mean?
It is more that it is really difficult to know what others need and act on it, when you are “drowning”. Like someone literally drowning is just thinking “how the ■■■■ do i get out” and cant calmly read what others need and do much for them.
Like maybe you feel empathic towards others when necessary, there’s nothing wrong with being aloof as long as no one is hurt in the process, or atleast that’s my opinion
Sometimes that is true…but i have been hurtful to others too in times of crisis or overwhelm. Or from ignorance or social clumsiness. I dont like that. Im working to change that.
Ive been hurtful too… But I was so closed in myself, that I couldn’t even read the emotions of the others… I wasn’t unable even to hear them or to understand what they were talking to me… Yeah, my sister was wrong to blame me that I was cold… They should have helped me, cause me I was in pain too. Very lonely too, with no friends, no going outs, I never had a bf either… I even didn’t have a personality, I still struggle to find what music I like or which food or which people… I couldn’t even talk, so no way my sista, I suffered too… I didn’t have a life for 30 years… Even my ill best friend told me, that she would have killed herself in my place …
But I believe still in the good, yeap, this too 
Don’t be hard on yourself either @anon49901817. Thanks for telling me that I don’t look as a psycho, but I still have some weird thoughts lol…
That’s everybody at times, stress can make you mean, just have to find a way to relax
Meds are the main help for SZ. I also have severe negative and cognitive symptoms. Better than having positive symptoms which can be deadly.
I had a life before my sz, hanged out with lots of friends, worked, went to university and had a gf.
My gf left me bcz of SZ when I was 25. I met her at 20. Good thing I did do what she tried to do, having kids.
Anyways, now I have nothing, I stay in bed all day.
I tried suicide 3 times, one time drs said I was very close to die from liver failure from intoxication (Intentional Tylenol overdose). Only reason I stopped suicide is because my parents were in pain and cried when they saw me vomiting from the overdose.
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