Drug Addiction and Schizophrenia

The first time I ever tried to get high I was twelve and I literally just went through the medicine cabinet and mixed a whole bunch of sleeping medicines together and went to a football game, where I slumped over and people had to help me up. They asked me if I did drugs and I absolutely protested. I think part of me wanted to overdose.
When I was thirteen, I got addicted to adderall and alcohol. I remember one night taking 7 25mg Adderalls or something of that nature, and staying up for three days without eating. I chewed a small hole in my cheek and in a manic state, sliced open my thighs. The amphetamine addiction was short lived.

When I was fourteen I tried xanax for the first time. I blacked out and woke up faceplanted on my best friend’s bed, surrounded by other people. I couldn’t remember a thing, and I loved it. Note: This was after I started hearing voices for the first time. I think part of me wanted to appease them. They always urged me to do drugs or overdose.

Over the past six years, I have gotten addicted to benzos, heroin, and opiates like dilaudid and opana. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Gastroparesis that I realized that if I ever did drugs again, I would die. Then I realized, I don’t want to die.

Right now I am wondering where I would be if my stomach hadn’t gotten paralyzed? Would I still be getting high every day? Would I be that stereotypical junkie that people turned their noses up at? I don’t know. I’m just glad it’s over. I spent almost half of my life so far being high out of my mind, and I can’t remember a damn thing anymore.

I wonder if my voices came back if they could convince me to do drugs again… If it was Lena I don’t know if I could resist. Melanie was easier to ignore. I mean, Lena is the one who got me sent to the ward. I know she’s no good for me. But I haven’t heard her in two years. The last thing she said to me was to stab myself in the face.

I’m terrified of her coming back, because if she did, she could convince me to do drugs, potentially killing me. I should be more logical, but it’s almost 5 am. and I can’t think too clearly. I just know that I am fortunate she has been gone for this long. Old habits die hard, but I want to live.

I got addicted to crack and cocaine in 1986. But I joined AA, CA, and NA and this coming January 1st I will have 25 years clean and sober. In regards to your sentence I copied, I have often seen my addiction in the same light. If I had to find a bright side to my addiction, it’s the fact that my addiction forced me to get help and quit ALL drugs including alcohol. If I had never crossed the line into addiction I would have been nickel and diming myself doing drugs and drinking for the last 24 years. And I probably would have missed out on a lot of the great experiences I’ve had as a sober productive member of society. I would probably never gone back to school So in a twisted, round-about way, addiction helped me. I’m not saying your illness is good but it did stop you from becoming a permanent hardcore addict.
I never got into pills and I’m thankful. I even read it in AA literature that a hardcore alcoholic knew some addicts who were into pills and it was his opinion that it was much tougher being an addict. That is, if you can really compare suffering. I’m glad you quit drugs. I’ve tried helping addicts and alcoholics before and it’s tough. I see it so clearly how they can “get” recovery but they have blinders over their eyes and they can’t see what’s good for them. Anyway, have a nice day. Good luck.

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I only have first hand experience with addiction. I was in a bad way and one day it hit me that I wanted to live and that if I didn’t make a change I would be dead. You want to live! Hold on to that!

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That’s exactly where I am… my memory of me is from other people. My sense of myself is held in others… not my own head.

Little by little my mind has been letting go of stuff and it’s been floating up like secrets from the bottom of the ocean. But for the most part, I have to rely on others for my past self.

I am so glad no to be part of that anymore. I am so glad to be clean and sober.

If I hadn’t quit… I’d most likely end up in Jail. that would make me want to kill myself. I have NO idea how I never got seriously arrested. But that is one of the lucky stars on my chart.

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im glad you got out of all that i would get as much theapy and councelling as you can things that happen along side addictions can be traumtising ive found .

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