Hello, I'm Depressed / suicidal

DX'd - Other
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Hi. Haven’t written here for a while. I’ve been in a good streak of luck for a while, gotten a good job and two wonderful kids. I also have an empathetic husband, one who deeply understands my illnes and gets me on track every time I lose it or tend to lose it.

Today, however, I have been pondering over dying or not more than I usually do. I’d call my husband who is at my in law’s with the kids (our appartment is not really inhabitable right now, we never managed to gather the money to make it inhabitable, especially with two kids running around - or crawling, respectively ). However, he is asleep now, as our little one kept him up all night and all day long.

It’s not fair to feel like that, but I do. I try to think of my kids, but the separation from them (I work 12-13 hours a day and have no time to visit them) makes me a bit … how should I put it? Unattached. I think the maternal bond didn’t form correctly, or isn’t maintained correctly. Leaving them motherless shouldn’t be an option, but it seems my mother in law does a good enough job of replacing me. I have no use for myself in their lifes.

I wanted to do a lot of stuff. Have a business of my own, learn a new language, take pottery lessons, renovate the appartment. But all of that seems so far away from me right now, that it hurts.

I don’t know if this is a horrible night or my last night. I’d say pray for me, but I don’t believe in prayers. I’d say talk to me , but I will probably have to face this alone.

Came into the house and haven’t even undressed. I hate the winter, I hate this cold I got, I hate the job that gave me so much sattisfaction beforehand, today I can’t understand how it is that people make it through the dqay without killing themselves.

What makes you live? Talk to me.Please.

I don’t even feel pain, so don’t pity me. I should probably call an ambulance and admit myself in a hospital, but I couldn’t live with the consequences (I have to open the store tomorrow, pay my employee etc., things that cannot be done from a hospital). So I just hang here with no solution.

Mybe the fact that I ask for help here is a good thing. Maybe it’s a sign I won’t actually do it. I don’t know.

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Hi, Zupa. Where are you at? What country?

Tell me about your apartment. What makes it uninhabitable?

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You can get support here. Somebody on this site might understand and relate to your problems. Personally, I live life for the simple pleasures. I live in an assisted living center for the mentally ill, and that’s about all there is here to live for. Life ain’t bad.

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Hi rhubot. I’m from Romania.

We kind of borken down / exposed every wall and floor in it in order to rebuild it completely, then the kids came along and we ran out of money to actually rebuild it. I have a dog and a cat, but the dog almost never goes out and does his buisness in the house. We got too disheartened to even gather after them sometimes. I have no warm water here and the heating system is a joke (looong story about that). My psychotic states and my husband’s resulting depression show so much in this appartment that it hurts. We don’t even have closets or drawers or places to store our stuff on, except for a few store-like metallic shelves.

It’s beyond imagination.

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That sounds depressing, honestly. It must be disheartening to come home to that after a long day. Are you there and not with the rest of your family because of work?

I went peeking back briefly through your posts, hope you don’t mind. I see you’re a new mom. When did your depression really start to catch up with you? You sounded happy not that long ago.

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aww @anon33673328 try baby steps. Try to find even just a glimpse of hope in the fact that tomorrow maybe after opening up the store you could go to the hospital? Another thing. TELL your husband how you are feeling and see what he says, it might be just the thing you need to hear !! This is an emergency !! Take action and fight this !! I am praying for you even though you don’t believe in prayers. I hope you find a way out.

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In Romania there is no such thing as assisted living. If you’re mentally ill, you are in and out of sordid hospitals that look morelike stables than living places, and if you need to be assisted, the burden is on your family’s shoulders.

However, sometimes I think I took on too many responsibilitioes , much more than I can take. I have accomplished a lot, there si o no doubt about it, but I can’t just get my life together for real - my family together, my stuff together.

My husband ants me to shake it off and learn stuff so we can do business. It’s a bad moment to tell him that I am too weak to do that, that I will probably never start learning stuff I need to and that I’m a big failure - a failure that he married.

In an assisted center I would feel trapped. In the wild I feel overwhelmed. I get no place of my own in this world. S**t.

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I totally get that. This summer, I had a suicidal crisis. There were a lot of things feeding into it - grief, depression, insomnia, job stress, a family argument - but believe it or not, the thing that pushed me over the top was my garden. I didn’t have the time or energy to keep it up, and it made me feel like this was the failure I couldn’t hide. I was so ashamed.

I went to see my doctor, by the way, to ask for help. I told my family how I was feeling, and my boss, and I started going to therapy.

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I think it was a few weeks ago that it started, when I got the job an ex decided to kill herself. She did not manage, but being so far from her (she lives in France) I felt horrible. After she was saved, she told me that she decided to take her life at some point, an indefinite point in the future. SHe was diagnosed with BPD a few years back. After this incident my suicidal thoughts came back after long years of absence. That, coupled with the long hours I think did the trick. I was the one who chose to go back to work instead of baby sitting my kids. I also wanted to give my husband a break, he was losing it too, he had a very stressful job.

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It’s almost contagious, isn’t it? Someone puts the thought in your head, and it starts to grow. I had had a long period between my suicidal thoughts, too. I was so surprised that they came back, that’s what scared me into going to see my doctor.

I’m sorry about your ex, that’s awful. I’m sorry you weren’t able to go to her, and I’m sorry she feels the way she does. I hope she’s getting help.

That was sweet and loving of you to volunteer to be the one to go back to work, to recognize how your husband was feeling and do what you could to fix it. Have you talked at all to him about how you’re feeling now?

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I kind of mentioned to him that I feel like cutting my own neck, but I guess in Romanian that’s a phrase you say when you are stressed out anyway, I didn’t have a real discussion about it with him. I fear that he would simply advise me to go to my pdoc, and my pdoc will simply tell me to stop working long hours and that is , for the moment, impossible.

It’s not that he is not empathetic, really. It’s that I can do more crazy tahn he can do good in such a discussion. So he would rather have me see a specialsist. A specialiost we both despise because she knows less about the illness and medication than two self-educated non-doctors.

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It’s similar here, with the phrasing. You can say a lot of pretty terrible things with no one realizing that there’s anything wrong.

How does mental health care work in Romania? Are you stuck with whoever you get, or can you find a new specialist?

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(my dog felt I was not ok and went hiding in her corner. Now she is crying, begging for me to allow her to come in, even if I did that already.)

Yes, you are stuck with whoever you get. I could try and change my pdoc if I tried however, but she is the best I would get anyway. She knows my history and she doesn’t expect a lot of money in return for her services (prescribing me the medication that has stabilised me), so I believe she might be the best I can get here.

Where are you from, Rhubot?

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United States, I’m in the center of the country. We can pick who we like but there are long waiting lists.

It’s funny how pets know when something’s wrong, isn’t it? I had a cat who would climb in my lap and pat away my tears. Is that your dog in your avatar? He’s adorable.

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Nope, that’s a picture of a little dog that looks just like she did when she was a puppy. I took her in right before I had my first baby, and my last psychosis. While I was away acting that psychosis out, she did the same for my husband, making him realize why he was supposed to fight and get me and our unborn son back on track. She kinda saved our marriage.

Thank you btw. I think the climax has passed, I may live another night. :slight_smile:

Also, when the weather gets more comfortable, I will probably start to take this dog out more. She’ll have to re-adapt to the noises and the cars and stuff, so I won’t start doing it right now when the cold is so biting. But if I don’t do it, I’ll have to give her away, and after tonight I don’t think that’s really something I wanna do.

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I’m glad you’re feeling better. You can message me any time you need to talk - I work and sleep, but I’m willing to help all I can. Sometimes you just need to talk :two_hearts:

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Gosh @anon33673328 baby steps baby steps. Pick the one stain or pile of poop that really bothers you and clean it? Probably make you feel better?

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Winter always seems to be depressing.
Sounds like you guys should move in with your in-laws for awhile to get on your feet. It would be great to have some help.

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I’m sorry to sound heartless, but the dog needs to be elsewhere. You cannot expose children to a home with animal urine and feces everywhere. The health of your children and family come first. Recommend re-homing the dog immediately to start with, then cleaning up the filth it left.

Best,

Pixel.

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The kids are rehomed for the time being. Her husband and children are living with her inlaws. She, the dog and the cat live in the apartment by themselves.