Healthy life is scarier

Obviously being healthier is objectively good, but subjectively it is scarier.

The more my paranoia lifts, the better I am connecting with my mother, the more I realize that I love her and that my life would be garbage without her, actually I’d be dead by now for sure.

The better I feel about her the more I feel scared that she is going to die. If I think about it, it can start to feel so real that I start crying and it hurts my face, like the sadness is a physical pain in my face.

I’m used to being angry and detached and not caring about anything. Starting to enjoy things and care more is just, it’s just scarier than what I’m used to. I could lose these things, and people.

Then there is the massive guilt over all the paranoid rage I’ve experienced, which has even included homicidal ideation at times. I’m scared the universe is going to kill her just to punish me for all the terrible thoughts and feelings I’ve had over the years. This is probably some dark version of magical thinking but it still ■■■■■■■ sucks.

I also feel that I’ve missed out on good things for years because my mind was dark and twisted.

Everything is getting so much better for me on this med but it’s also terrifying. I can’t tell how much is symptoms and how much is just shock and not being used to experiencing life this way.

I also have started to feel uneasy about my health and dying. I didn’t really care before but lately I feel for example a sense of weird panic because I’ve been smoking for years, what if I get lung cancer and die, right as things are getting better.

I didn’t ever think that it takes guts to be happy but I am starting to think it does.

2 Likes

I talk to my mother often, on the phone, she probably calls me more than I do her. My conversations with my father number in seconds whether in person or on the phone.

My conspirators and those who raised me (as long as that lasted) I often feel like one of the few sane people in my family. I often say to myself as I droive over “I dine with the people who did this to me” She works a church thrift shop frequented by the homeless on the day of their free meals. She took over what I found in the clubhouse model, invited me back home and started her own, and then I went insane. Before that, I had memory problems and personality instability, now, I’m thoroughly traumatized, not that I wasn’t before without knowing that, thanks.

I wish that you’re relationship is more simple and less strafed with the dare say it word conspiracy.

I have this theory that paranoia and psychosis exist to keep us preoccupied for two reasons:

To protect us from the realities of life after an episode until we are strong enough to handle them. And to keep us contained so we are less likely to harm others.

This probably worked evolutionarily until everyday life in the modern world became so stressful.

1 Like

I do have a friend, which is kind of odd. He just likes me! And he frequently tells me I’m the bravest person he knows. He thinks it was brave to quit drinking and accept the treatment for schizophrenia. I guess.

I drank from age 17 to age 24. I felt tyrannized by a need to care about life, and on the right amount of alcohol, I felt euphoric and I didn’t feel like I cared about anything. But I’d always sober up. And when I sobered up I did care that my Mom would in pain if I had an early death. Which is to say, I didn’t expect to live to be 30. And I did care if people didn’t like me and I smelled bad and had dirty clothes. I did care.

So I relate to this thread.

Jayster

Ive recovered and i can relate to your feelings i used to be numb now i have feelings and i care about the people in my life so i try and not get the negative thoughts to get to me

A Healthy Life = Responsibility…

This can seem overwhelming after coming out of a psychosis. Going from ‘ignorance is bliss’ to ‘now I gotta pay the rent’ can be quite the scary leap.

2 Likes

I know the feeling, I went through the exact thing. I cried a lot out of guilt, but you know what? It’s not our fault, we’re just wired that way.

We are all going to die, every day a step closer, and that’s just part of life, as we accept that things become better.

My fear now is that my mom dies without we having the time to mend things up. And when I thought she was controlled by demons I hoped a lot of times for her to be out of my life and that hurts a lot. But it’s in the past, and in the past is where it belongs.

They have a lot of patience for us.

I agree with @patrick, and it’s a good post by @turnip.