Its been 9 years since I was diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder. I was diagnosed at 32. Since my memory has become a problem I feel like the past 9 years has actually been one really really long bad day. All the things that have happened to me that I can’t prove thus making me appear to be schizophrenic has just kind of bled all together resulting in a life that is blurry and vague. My days seem to slip by me and I’m often asking which day of the week it is. I am just hoping that I don’t wake up from all of this one day with a heart and mind full of regrets about how I could have lived a fuller life even under these very difficult circumstances. I don’t want to be angry and disappointed in myself for allowing “this” whatever it is to hijack my life in its prime but at this point I’m not sure how to avoid it. I see the writing on the wall but my vision is blurred.
I feel like that daily. I was diagnosed when I was about 15/16 I’m going on 33 on the third of next month. I have had one really bad relapse but other than that I was able to manage the voices in my head and not let them cause problems in my life. Since then every day has been a struggle for me. The voices are louder some days than others but it’s still not like was before my relapse.
My memory is horrible. I think it’s because some of the stuff that happened while under psychosis was so embarrassing most of the memory my mind has blocked from me, but the problem is it’s taken regular moment memories as well. I’m lucky if I can remember what year it is let alone what day of the week it is. Time goes around the clock, continuously clicking onto the next second, the next minute, the next hour…I wish it would stop and I could back and find the time lost due to Schizophrenia before gathering new time memories, only to loose those memories months down the road. Some times I feel like I’m still 16 in stead of 32 going on 33.
life pass me by like a warm winters dayya right without a blanketI’ve gotten to that age we’re not only as it passed but I miss it
I feel this way also. You pinpointed it for me. The psychotic episodes day in and day out masked the regular day to day memories some of them really important. I’ve missed out on a lot all of these years not just my life but also the lives of my friends and family.
I absolutely feel like most of life has passed me by. I’m 55 years old. I’ve never married. No kids. I’ve been in only one long term relationship, and I found that unsatisfactory. That woman was pretty, but she and I didn’t operate on the same frequency. My regrets about my life are numerous. However, I do feel like there are things in my life that compensate for the emptiness of much of it. There are things in my life that are real achievements.
I absolutely love swimming if the temperature and pond are comfy. But my three close friends don’t do swimming.
My lovely sister and great brother invited me several times to go swimming with them in the ten days they were camping near here, and I didn’t take advantage of that opportunity. That part feels like life is passing me by, and it offers me a chance to beat myself up over what I should have done rather than what I actually did.
I think schizophrenia is a lot more than just hearing voices! Which is to say, yes I’m on medication such that I haven’t heard voices for decades, but they are yet to find any medicine for me that gives me the motivation and curiosity that this disease so much dampens in me.
koolbreeze, you are right in that you have got to grab ahold of your life even now. don’t let it go.
do what you can to make it work and come alive for you.
I still feel like I’m 17 and have to remind myself that I’m 21. I get what you’re saying, my psychosis went mistreated for a few years so I lived in a hell that just felt like time had no measure p, birthdays would pass but I Wouldn’t acknowledge them or more absorb them.
Now I’m dead, I’m still walking, I don’t quite understand it right now but I’m full of regrets, guilt, shame, embarrassment, and I don’t know how to respond. Things are happening.
In some cases I feel very behind. While people my age were going to college I was in hospital. When people my age were learning how to take care of themselves, I was still messing up and remaking the same mistakes over and over.
Life passed me by very fast and I’m just now catching up.
Same for me. After school it was downhill for me as my peers went to university. I never got my drivers license, never got a job, never married - until 2012 when I grew up fast, had a brief job, married - and relapsed.
I too feel like my life has passed me by. I often ask what day of the week it is in the morning and at night. I missed going to college and getting a good engineering job. I was four classes short of graduating with an associates.
I used to dwell on how much schizophrenia has taken from me, but I find that very painful and it keeps me down so I ignore the loss…you have to accept today as the last day of your life and try to see the hopeful things in life I think? Schizophrenia not only interrupts our lives, it changes us…the sooner you start letting go of the past, the more free you’ll feel…
that’s a very difficult thing to do when other people are responsible for your pain. i just happened to b in the right place at the wrong time. i wish i’d never moved to spain, but i can’t change that now. i also can’t yet stop their merceneries from attacking me, so it continues to b dragged up time and time again. i can’t help but b indignant, incandescent with rage against the perpetrators. it’s not easy to forgive rapes and torture, nor is it easy to forgive murder. schizophrenia is an illness. it’s ok to forgive ur own brain. when ur dealing with a live enemy, things r wholly different.
Yes. And I didn’t even watch it. But sitting here just now, I feel that this is my life. Oops. Then it’s gone again.