I used to have this delusion and paranoia that intelligence agencies monitored what I wrote or thought and then I decided to keep paper notebooks so that these agencies were not able to read what I wrote. I now know it has just been one of those grand delusions with paranoia I have had.
I used to keep lots of journals and notebooksā¦ I wrote some of them in special codeā¦ that I canāt even read now.
I was sure things in my life were being monitored tooā¦ so I would hide them.
I still have a few of themā¦ they make no sense to me nowā¦ and I cringe when I think that I was once that scrambled in my thinking.
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Many entries in my notebooks make no sense at all, but I suppose at the time these things written or drawn in these notebooks might have been very important, but afterwards these are meaningless and useless entries, a little reminds me of the movie āBeautiful Mindā in some sense.
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Yeah I have a notebook, but I wrote a lot on those when I was psychotic, now not so much, I donāt have that much to say to myself.
I thought about keeping a diary but I havenāt started yet.
Yes and the last one ( 2005,2006) looks like this.
And has some pathetic stuff like this
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Yep @sarad Thaz Really Awesome ā¦ ,
(explicit content)
e(Y)e Once Had a Shoebox Filled With Poetry e(Y)e Wrote When e(Y)e was 15ish ā¦ ,
and After Some T(Y)me All Tha Poetry Disappeared ā¦ ,
(its a long story) ,
e(Y)e Donāt Know Where Tha Poetry Went ā¦ ,
After e(Y)e Moved From Home and Came Back After a Couple Of years ,
e(Y)e Thot it Would Be a Fun idea To Sing Those Poems ,
L(Y)Ke Some Sort Of Cool , Childhood/Adulthood Odd Weirdo hazy Fun-ness ā¦ ,
but After e(Y)e Got Back Home and e(Y)e Excitedly Opened Tha Shoebox ā¦ ,
It Was Empty . ,
Oh Hens (!!!)
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Yes I have a few notebooks that I donāt want anyone to seeā¦
I threw away some that were written while most psychoticā¦
They were just crazy and I didnāt want them anymoreā¦
Your paintings are quite similar to my sz auntās paintings, she died in 2007, she also kept some kind of a notebook or wrote a book, unfortunately she was hospitalized most of her life,
I used to keep a small notebook called āthe red bookā(it had a red cover). It wasnāt a diary though. It was a list of things I absolutely could not forget, mostly delusions about fearing for others lives.
Then there were many other small notebooks, scraps and virtual documents used for supposedly less important lists. I knew that one thought could cause me to forget about something important. It got to a point that I wrote RED BOOK in all of the smaller notebooks, saved as my background picture,etc. A year+ later Iām still finding hints lying around for me to look at the red book, but I havenāt opened it, because in a calmer state, I remember whatās in there, and itās nothing to worry about.
Thatās just two names and a poem. : )
Soz To Ramble ā¦ ,
but e(Y)e Have Thus One Memory That During Tha T(Y)me ALICE IN CHAINS Released That One Album With Tha Pup On Tha Cover ā¦ ,
e(Y)e Was As Always , Lissening To Music (THAT ALBUM) , and e(Y)e Got Inspired To Write Some Poems , back Then e(Y)e Sometymes Would Write During Tha Middle Of Tha Nite When Everyone Was Sleeping ā¦ ,
and Jus Scribble and Scribble and Scribble ā¦ ,
e(Y)e Felt Really Calm During Those Hours ā¦ ,
and No One Ever Wanted To See What e(Y)e Wrote but e(Y)e Didnāt Care ā¦
N E Hoo ,
Jus Thot e(Y)eād Share ā¦
Yeah I have had like four of them, three from my preteen years and then one from psychotic and insane era which I destroyed, and now one from medicated until today.
Itās scary when I look at my delusional days. I really donāt like reading my past entries. These days itās more like I am overly concerned with being sane.
I could never write a diary. I was too paranoid someone would read it.
I have one now, itās my little cbt journal, tee hee.