Has anybody kept secret diaries or notebooks

I used to have this delusion and paranoia that intelligence agencies monitored what I wrote or thought and then I decided to keep paper notebooks so that these agencies were not able to read what I wrote. I now know it has just been one of those grand delusions with paranoia I have had.

I used to keep lots of journals and notebooks… I wrote some of them in special code… that I can’t even read now.

I was sure things in my life were being monitored too… so I would hide them.

I still have a few of them… they make no sense to me now… and I cringe when I think that I was once that scrambled in my thinking.

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Many entries in my notebooks make no sense at all, but I suppose at the time these things written or drawn in these notebooks might have been very important, but afterwards these are meaningless and useless entries, a little reminds me of the movie ‘Beautiful Mind’ in some sense.

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Yeah I have a notebook, but I wrote a lot on those when I was psychotic, now not so much, I don’t have that much to say to myself.

I thought about keeping a diary but I haven’t started yet.

Yes and the last one ( 2005,2006) looks like this.

And has some pathetic stuff like this


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Yep @sarad Thaz Really Awesome … ,

(explicit content)

e(Y)e Once Had a Shoebox Filled With Poetry e(Y)e Wrote When e(Y)e was 15ish … ,

and After Some T(Y)me All Tha Poetry Disappeared … ,

(its a long story) ,

e(Y)e Don’t Know Where Tha Poetry Went … ,

After e(Y)e Moved From Home and Came Back After a Couple Of years ,

e(Y)e Thot it Would Be a Fun idea To Sing Those Poems ,

L(Y)Ke Some Sort Of Cool , Childhood/Adulthood Odd Weirdo hazy Fun-ness … ,

but After e(Y)e Got Back Home and e(Y)e Excitedly Opened Tha Shoebox … ,

It Was Empty . ,

Oh Hens (!!!)

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Yes I have a few notebooks that I don’t want anyone to see…
I threw away some that were written while most psychotic…
They were just crazy and I didn’t want them anymore…

Your paintings are quite similar to my sz aunt’s paintings, she died in 2007, she also kept some kind of a notebook or wrote a book, unfortunately she was hospitalized most of her life,

I used to keep a small notebook called “the red book”(it had a red cover). It wasn’t a diary though. It was a list of things I absolutely could not forget, mostly delusions about fearing for others lives.
Then there were many other small notebooks, scraps and virtual documents used for supposedly less important lists. I knew that one thought could cause me to forget about something important. It got to a point that I wrote RED BOOK in all of the smaller notebooks, saved as my background picture,etc. A year+ later I’m still finding hints lying around for me to look at the red book, but I haven’t opened it, because in a calmer state, I remember what’s in there, and it’s nothing to worry about.

That’s just two names and a poem. : )

Soz To Ramble … ,

but e(Y)e Have Thus One Memory That During Tha T(Y)me ALICE IN CHAINS Released That One Album With Tha Pup On Tha Cover … ,

e(Y)e Was As Always , Lissening To Music (THAT ALBUM) , and e(Y)e Got Inspired To Write Some Poems , back Then e(Y)e Sometymes Would Write During Tha Middle Of Tha Nite When Everyone Was Sleeping … ,

and Jus Scribble and Scribble and Scribble … ,

e(Y)e Felt Really Calm During Those Hours … ,

and No One Ever Wanted To See What e(Y)e Wrote but e(Y)e Didn’t Care …

N E Hoo ,

Jus Thot e(Y)e’d Share …

Yeah I have had like four of them, three from my preteen years and then one from psychotic and insane era which I destroyed, and now one from medicated until today.

It’s scary when I look at my delusional days. I really don’t like reading my past entries. These days it’s more like I am overly concerned with being sane.

I could never write a diary. I was too paranoid someone would read it.

I have one now, it’s my little cbt journal, tee hee.