I always wanted to be a rodeo clown. But my medication slows me down. I’m 55 now, I might make one last effort when I’m 60 but for now I’ll stick to my janitor job.
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I try to keep a positive outlook on life and I used to dream big but now at 33 I feel there is one thing that is still in my power to accomplish. I want to hike the Superior Trail from Duluth, Minnesota to the Canadian border which is about 300 miles.
I know I should want to be a physician or engineer or something but even in high school I had this inkling to become a monk in a religious community although I know that they would never accept me because of my medication needs.
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I was a lecturer on spirituality, and an avid member of my spiritual community. It was very fulfilling for me. Now I feel like I don’t even belong, and shouldn’t have an opinion on spiritual matters. I also had a regular job doing av work and design, now I don’t know if I’ll ever not be a security guard.
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I lost a career in architecture because of the illness. I put myself through college at Oklahoma University and it took me seven years to do it. Then I began designing furniture and interiors for a design / build firm. that job fell out and then I began working for a residential design firm designing homes. I learned a hell of a lot working there. then I got sick and lost the ability to concentrate for longer than 2 minutes. plus I was afraid of losing my disability. so after a few suicide attempts after failing at my old job after falling ill I decided I am better off not trying to work because it overwhelms me. I am happy with my life now but I will alway look back to losing my architectural career as something I was robbed of.
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Yeah not having much money or being able to leave town for longer than a month kinda ended my dream of walking the full length of the Appalachian Trail. I also failed at Meteorology although I was failing at it before becoming acutely psychotic. I was much better at History which I guess I understand better because the conflict of human beings represent my inner conflicts.
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