I went back to AA on thursday. I had not been there for a year. It was 4 years ago I saw my sponsor/mentor the last time. He recognized me and gave me a huge bear hug! He was so happy I was still alive.
I had come there as a complete mess. I had stopped drinking alcohol and abusing morphine. I was also psychotic. I was a tiny thin girl with messy hair and messy thoughts. Now I am my opposite. I’m happy for that. I was happy to see me friends still there in the program. I am happy that I took my last drink on february 14’th 2010.
BUT my visit there made me realize something. I’m not free from mind altering medication. I have been careful not to take more than what I absolutely need. I thought. I know I enjoyed the drunk state of mind I got into when I had taken my sleeping pills and didn’t go to sleep. I have been using them more than I need. I’m not free. This makes me sad. Addiction is evil. Tricky and attractive. Like a dangerous snake.
I will try again. Counting from tonight. Let’s see how far I go without bensodiazepines.
I find sleeping pills much more addictive than alcohol. What are you on exactly? I was mixing ambien and lots of alcohol very often slightly over a year ago until I overdosed and woke up in the ER. I havn’t touched a sleeping pill since but I buy a flask of vodka on occasion (once every few months).
I still have thoughts of trying opiates…I’m not blaming you but hearing about all the people who abused opiates makes me think I could do it. I won’t though so don’t have to tell me all the negatives of using them but it’s a constant struggle to stay away from a drug I’ve never done…weird.
Benzos are okay I think if you use them as prescribed just my opinion. I need klonopin