Happy and sad

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I went back to AA on thursday. I had not been there for a year. It was 4 years ago I saw my sponsor/mentor the last time. He recognized me and gave me a huge bear hug! He was so happy I was still alive.

I had come there as a complete mess. I had stopped drinking alcohol and abusing morphine. I was also psychotic. I was a tiny thin girl with messy hair and messy thoughts. Now I am my opposite. I’m happy for that. I was happy to see me friends still there in the program. I am happy that I took my last drink on february 14’th 2010.

BUT my visit there made me realize something. I’m not free from mind altering medication. I have been careful not to take more than what I absolutely need. I thought. I know I enjoyed the drunk state of mind I got into when I had taken my sleeping pills and didn’t go to sleep. I have been using them more than I need. I’m not free. This makes me sad. Addiction is evil. Tricky and attractive. Like a dangerous snake.

I will try again. Counting from tonight. Let’s see how far I go without bensodiazepines.

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I’m also cutting the benzos out of my life. But go easy, reduce first. I had an anxiety attack today because I quit cold turkey, have to go easier.

Kudos on quitting though, it’s hard.

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I am eventually going to cut Benzos out of my life, but I am not just ready yet.

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I find sleeping pills much more addictive than alcohol. What are you on exactly? I was mixing ambien and lots of alcohol very often slightly over a year ago until I overdosed and woke up in the ER. I havn’t touched a sleeping pill since but I buy a flask of vodka on occasion (once every few months).

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You’ll be able to do it, I’m sure of it.

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I still have thoughts of trying opiates…I’m not blaming you but hearing about all the people who abused opiates makes me think I could do it. I won’t though so don’t have to tell me all the negatives of using them but it’s a constant struggle to stay away from a drug I’ve never done…weird.

Benzos are okay I think if you use them as prescribed just my opinion. I need klonopin

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Not sure what they are called in the US. But in Sweden it is Nitrazepam, Zopiclone and I also have Oxazepam.

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Thanks @Minnii - You will also do just fine :smile:

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If I used them as they were prescribed I’d be much more addicted than I am now. My pdoc said 3 a day in heavy anxiety days but one does the trick, I learned that the hard way.

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I need Nitrazepam/Zopiclone to sleep when I get psychotic…or I won’t sleep at all. but then I also have to quit them when my sleep is ok again.

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I manged to quit benzos, but I would add “so far” to that. I did it by taking 300mg of l-theanine in the morning and 300mg l-theanine in the evening.

I have abilify induced anxiety, so need to take l-theanine still, otherwise it’s back to benzos.

It’s been a month now. I might update my other thread on it.

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good on you :heart:
take care :alien:

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