My heart begins to suffer. It was wrenching actually.
I crossed my fingers and hoped to die.
I was so ready to go it was rediculous.
Not yet though, fate said no not yet.
It can be seen when and how i will die right now but i don’t know when and how.
I hope that it is soon. With a healthy diet of cigarettes, energy drinks, hot dogs, and soda it won’t be long and i can’t wait to just sleep. Add a few ap’s to that ill be dead in no time! It’s really exciting! And im so lucky to not have to live a full life! Dying young is my dream actually, wouldn’t want to end up old and incontinent, im just going to go for it!
But it’s getting close, i can feel it and i can’t wait to lose consciousness, what a curse this has been.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish you would do something to get help for how you feel. It’s no way to live… OR die.
Currently dealing with cardiac conniptions of my own. Don’t like it. The stabbing pain up the neck while shoveling snow is a clear message to go sit down and have some tea. Hope the doctor can help as I’m not ready to go yet. Too many things left to achieve first!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Around October/December and winter I begin to sink into more of an introspective depression. I become really sad and withdrawn. So far Abilify helps the most, and I know what you mean with energy drinks and cigs, all the stuff to make us feel better momentarily. I also have in the past, before I was treating my depression with Abilify, had severe heart pains. So try to remember it’s not you or your fault, it’s a symptom of seasonal depression and it needs to be treated. don’t give up because no one knows what death causes, and all the people who will miss u.
About a year ago I took my medicine with some beer, walked outside to take a pee and I felt my heart stop and I collapsed in the yard. I hoped I would die, but I eventually came out of it. I don’t drink anymore, but I do eat bad on purpose sometimes.
(this was not a suicide attempt, just carelessness)
Yeah, i don’t care if they’ll miss me at all, not doing this much longer.
I don’t care what death causes, im not doing this much longer.
The approach of winter used to make me feel strange as well, it’s like witnessing your own decay in nature and it makes you a little wierded out. Those aren’t the leaves dying that we feel, it’s us, we are the leaves. Thats the blue skies that was our lives turning grey. The grass whithering is us.
More smokes, more energy drinks, more bad food, then more smokes, more ap’s, and if i can get my hands on some barbitol ill hold on to it until im ready and then bottom’s up.
I’m in exactly the same boat as you, pansdisease - heart pains, ready to die. I still entertain some vague hopes that I will write something that will get published, though.
Crimby, anyone can publish now. I have friends who self-publish and their books would have made best seller lists in this country if they had gone through traditional publishing houses. I can point you to some resources if this is of interest to you.
I’ve been suicidal for a long time. I struggle with it and would probably continue to be if it weren’t for the celexa I’ve started.
That said, I have come to the conclusion that I cannot kill myself. I’m sure someone will say its delusion but I believe the voices are real entities. I won’t kill myself because I won’t give them the ability to hurt me more. If they can hurt us now, I don’t like to think what they can do to my spirit (if we have one) without a body to anchor us.
Fear of going to hell is a big reason why I haven’t committed suicide yet. I still feel like I see evidence of the demonic, so I can’t lie to myself and say hell isn’t real. But, the biggest reason is that it would destroy my mother. I feel like if I died naturally or by accident it would hurt my family less than if by suicide.
I forgot to add…I read a long time ago that our afterlife is what we make of it. If we give into the misery of the voices, we will relive it in death. It has made me, and I’m doing poorly at it right now, decide that I need to build my resilience if I am to not be controlled by them or destroyed at death
They have even shocked me while appearing to me, causing physical pain, they have burned me while appearing again. And once i began to laugh at the orgies in the movie eyes wide shut and instantly my spine began to bend, i began gasping for breath because of the very real physical thing they were doing to my spine.
It was scary but i couldn’t help but keep laughing at the orgies. I shouldn’t have kept laughing but i just couldn’t help it, it just seemed so funny at the time.
If they wanted me to kill myself id be dead already, they’d have no problem doing this and could achieve it in a heartbeat. If they don’t want me dead what do they want? Suffering i guess.
They can’t hurt us in death. And when the clock strikes the right time the tables will turn on them and it will be their turn.
pansy… It’s good to see you back but it makes me sad when you talk like this. Life is beautiful, it’s not that horrible…Sometimes, we focus so much on its bad side that completely overlook its pleasant side. I wish someday you find the aspect of life.
