I feel scared and irritated, I had a psychiatrist appointment earlier and felt listened to but she kept asking me questions about my symptoms that I haven’t had before, I feel my diagnosis may be changing however all I was doing was describing what was happening at the moment she was describing OCD to me which I’ve always known I’ve had but I feel like if it’s not schiz, it’s something else. I don’t know who I am every detail of me is put down to diagnoses, I feel like no-one, I’m having the only certainty I ever had ripped away.
I didn’t feel like my life made sense before my first break and then all of a sudden I had purpose,I saw connections no-one else saw and felt connected to the earth until my voices went negative and paranoia took over my life I became suicidal but I stil had purpose because I thought I had access to different dimensions and that I’d meet people like me, I thought I’d have a home. It gave me something I just feel so insignificant because I don’t have the same achievements as everyone else. Apart from my mum my family is scared of me, I don’t want to accept the pain I caused because it was all for an illness not for some call from the universe or whatever else my brain created. I’m finding this very hard to accept but I’m trying its just coming with a lot of pain I feel like a hole is becoming bigger every time I accept more doubt.
I’m rambling again, do any of you guys feel doctors and nurses get concerned over everything and put everything down to one label or another? I just want to find out who I am… Did anyone have this loss, sort of losing a sense of who you are once meds/therapy worked? I just don’t know how to react to all of this, so I’m reaching out to the only people who might understand… I’m sorry for posting again I don’t know anyone with schiz or even psychosis in real life so here is the only place so I apologise if I’m asking too much of you guys.
Take Care, Meg.