Gossip, gossip. Being the black sheep of the family isn't easy

Lounge
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I have to meet up with some family in a few days that I’ve never meet before.

They’re in town and are my mother’s cousins, so we’re having dinner together while they’re here.

I know they’ll ask if I have children and I’ll just give my nice answer considering she’s family.

That was the plan.

Until I made a horrible realization.

The people visiting me, their daughter, she was at a family reunion I went to pregnant.

She’ll be there or I wouldn’t worry.

I was very pregnant and we spent most of the reunion together being close in age and such.

She knows there was a baby and now I feel like I have to explain.

God knows, I don’t want them thinking I lost the baby.

(Although I think my mother would prefer that to the embarrassment of the adoption)

If they know I was pregnant and don’t have children, maybe they just won’t say anything,

But if they do, I’m coming out with it.

It’ll spread like wildfire and just kill my mom.

Am I worrying about nothing?

Should I lie for my mother’s sake?

What would you do?

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Answer a question with a question.

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If you want to prioritize keeping the peace, just a cryptic “things happen” or “that is a painful topic to discuss” should suffice. It kind of seems like you are really getting crushed by the pressure to pretend to be someone you aren’t, though. Might be very liberating for you to just say “i knew i wasn’t capable of raising a child, so i had him adopted by wonderful men who dote on him and give him a fantastic life. We keep in touch.”

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It sucks having to lie about things that aren’t shameful just because someone else feels ashamed about it. You did a great thing and made the best choice for the five people actually affected by the decision.

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Try my approach:

“That’s none of your @#$%ing business you nosy @#$%. @#$% off and gossip about someone else unless you want to get punched in the @#$%ing nose.”

Works wonders.

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It’s true I shouldn’t have to lie or be ashamed.

It’s a cool thing that I pride myself on.

Plus it’s a story I love telling.

I should go for it, but my mom will be pissed.

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Then tell it. Let them know how great the dads are and how well the child is doing. Your mom just needs to get over it. You’re an adult and it’s no longer her business

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Is your mom the type to pitch a fit and make it your problem if she feels embarrassed?

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I would do what feels right for you and your son.

Your mom will need to sort out her own issues of feeling embarassed which is, frankly, a sentiment I dont understand.

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She’ll be mad.

I don’t know what she’ll do, but she super resents me for the adoption so it’s a sensitive issue.

@Moonbeam

I don’t know why she’s so embarrassed either.

It’s a great story.

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It depends. Does your mother hold grudges? If you have a generally good relations and this would cause a ton of awkwardness for a long time, I’d go with the nice answer or just saying you prefer not to discuss it.

If she can be persuaded to come around easily enough, tell your story.

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No good advice there. I can say that the years since my grandpa stopped talking to me have been the most mentally healthy years of my life. I can also say I miss my family. It’s a win some/lose some kind of scenario. For me, the good parts are better than the bad parts. That isn’t true for everyone.

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I have a vaguely similar situation.

In 2000 I chose to end a pregnancy. My mother was a staunch opponent to those. So is the rest of my family.

In the end,I lied. I said that the pregnancy ended and I didn’t want to talk about it because it made me very sad. My mother pushed and I said it wasn’t viable. That pacified her.

She spread that and my family never bothered me again.

Today I’m open about it and have supported my own daughter through it.

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Yes, my mother is one to hold grudges.

I mean,

My kid is 9 and she still isn’t over it.

When she found out I was having the baby adopted she went behind my back, got an attorney and tried to legally prevent the adoption or adopt him without my consent.

She’ll be upset,

And passive aggressive,

And blatantly disappointed.

All the things.

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But catering to her issues will just make you feel worse. You did right by your child. You made sure he has a great home and a happy life. That’s what a real mom does - whatever is best for the child. I think it’s ok to tell your story and it’s great results. That is, if you want to. I think what makes you feel best is what’s most important. It’s your journey, not your mom’s

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Pro tip: You have no legal obligation to associate with her at this point if abstention from it would improve your quality of life. Just sayin’.

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