A typical day. A little bit of this, a little bit of that.
HA! On the stupid commute home, some jag-off in a fancy car came roaring up behind me while I was at a red light and came up to about 3 feet behind me. He was about my age, and probably saw some sucker he could intimidate for free. But I scared him sh*tless with a good stare.
I really can’t get into a physical fight with anybody because of my back, but if they want to mess around and play games, I’m up for it. If I die, I die. You can only die once right, guys? But I’ll go to my grave laughing at all the f*ckin bullies I thwarted. Damn idiots.
I took my lesson from the women I was hospitalized with last year for two days. The poor women was in a wheelchair but she was one f*ckin scary person who cussed out just about everybody she felt like. I take normal precautions and I like talking to strangers and watching people and wondering about their lives but my role in life is not to be the victim. I have a car and that gives me power which I will use. I’m the “underdog” in life. My sister disagrees but she doesn’t know what I go through on a daily basis. No one does. And I’m pretty happy to keep most of that to myself.
My dad was a good man who had a lot going against him in life. He was in the Korean War and he grew up during the Great Depression and during WWll and him and all his buddies were chafing at the bit during the war to enlist and make the world a free and safer democratic place. The war ended before he could enlist but he was a tough son-of-gun who rose above his circumstances to keep our family clothed and fed and living in nice surroundings the whole time when I was growing up.
Incidentally he was one funny guy. But he was a little guy who unfortunately for him, was an alcoholic. But he was a functioning alcoholic and he had a bad temper but he never laid a hand on my mom or me or my two sisters.
But he had principles and character and he always rooted for the underdog in life. If he was alive still I think he would be proud of me. He told me once in my twenties, " Nick, you are just one hair away from being, really, really cool". I could just never turn the corner to become that person while he was still alive. But screw it, I’m that person now in many, many ways, and I know what he meant and no one can take that away from me.
Sigh. OK,my rare negative rant is over with. I have to sit and pay my bills now and make one or two calls to my credit card company. I’m transferring some balances to lower percentage rate cards. I really don’t hate strangers or people in general, I don’t feel like everybodies against me. In fact I feel like they like me and help me. I don’t initiate trouble. I caused enough trouble as a stupid teen and also when I was in my crack addiction. I like a little drama now and then but mainly my goal is to get my life going again.
I don’t need to go looking for trouble, I have my hands full enough dealing with schizophrenia. I’m just one guy doing the best he can. If I can help someone than I will do it and it makes me happy. But I can’t trust just anyone.
Well, I am craving Kool-Aid and peanut butter and honey sandwiches right now but I’ll settle for a diet-coke. Maybe tomorrow I’ll go to the park by myself and reminisce about how good at Frisbee I was when I was a kid. Or how stupid I would look in a cowboy hat.