It seems like life for me lately is gearing up for an event and then getting over it. I know it’s not like this all year. This summer is SO different then any other summer I’ve been alive. It feels slower.
I’m working on making it slower. I am fighting off a hyper spike. I’ve been leaning on meditation and mindfulness much harder then last year. I’ve been asking for help more. I’ve been paying attention to my warning signs.
Even last summer I wasn’t as stable or feeling as in control of myself as I do this summer. It feels odd that things that would for sure send me to hospital last year aren’t completely knocking me off track this summer.
But I’ve been getting emotional and nostalgic this last few days. My kid sis won’t be a kid in 9 days. This feeling like something important is just slipping through my grasp like sand… is starting to get to me. It was made worse by the fact that I found a box in my parents house… Riley’s first teddy bear, her little baby shoes, all her baby teeth. I’m not handling her turning 18 as well as I thought I would.
She wants me to take her to get her first tattoo to hide her burn scars… she got them when she was 3 and we we’re in a house fire. I remember when she was born. So tiny… now there is a 5’10" stubborn redhead standing before me wanting to scope out tattoo parlors. How in the world did that happen?
I’m working on not lamenting the time I missed with her due to this illness, hospitalizations, homelessness, drug use. I’m working on looking forward to the years to come… It gets easier right?