my buddy doyle used to say" I couldn’t get laid in a whore house with a fistful of fifties…" haha
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My dad would always say, “He doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground.”
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Or if us kids were wishing for a bigger allowance or a better car my dad would say, “Wish in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which fills up faster.”.
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My dad said something like “I’ll shove my foot so far up his a** he’ll have to take his shirt off to take a ■■■■”
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Du bist ein Arsch mit Ohren.
You’re an ass with ears.
This has been today’s funny expression in German.
You’re welcome. 
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