Friend or Foe

Now being on meds there is times I miss my voices, as much as they made me unstable and crazy suicidal. They were negative. They made me withdrawal. They caused problems in every relationship in my life. But they were always there, now that they are gone, ( from the medication) I question if their presence ever even exists do. Even though I knew they were there. They overall made my life a whole mess. But now that I’m not battling them for everyday of my existence. I’m finding myself missing them. As if it were old friends I haven’t seen in a long while. I long for the familiar safeness of their voices. I don’t know? Anyone else here?

Yeah it’s kind of a psychological trap. You get comfortable in there presence and feel uncomfortable in silence. I force myself to appreciate the silence when I have it. My voices aren’t so negative any more, or really say anything at all. Just a bunch of agitated stirring. I used to absolutely hate the experience, but it doesn’t really bother me anymore.

That’s awesome the meds worked for you, I haven’t been so lucky. I was on the highest doses of invega and respiridone with no alleviation just a lot of cognitive problems.

I think you’ll get past this given a little more time to adjust.

I get what your saying about questioning whether they were ever there. I have moments like that sometimes. Then I start hearing them.

It’s weird, it’s like having a 2 dimensional object in your mind sometimes your looking at it edgewise and can’t hear it, then it rotates to face you and the sound dominates your senses. I do this with multiple voices, alternating which voices I’m paying attention to. They’re all raging but typically there is only room for one on the center stage.

They definitely aren’t friendly though, they want me dead.

It makes me feel like I’m in an empty room, where all the fruniture is taken out, just empty.

Thank for your response @ BryanAshley

It’s hard to get used to a quiet head. Especially when it’s been noisy for so long.

When my mind is too quiet… it makes me feel a bit empty and off balance.

I have a few that really hurt… as I’ve gotten stronger… they have gotten weaker and more passive…

But there were a few that weren’t so bad. Your not the only one in the boat.

I still have mine a bit… here and there. When they get loud… it’s like a warning that my stress levels are increasing.

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Yes, it is hard to get used to…I don’t know if I can it makes me want to go off my meds, I won’t, but it does

This might be weird coming from an atheist, but uhh you could try prayer, make your own noise, perhaps you won’t feel so alone.

I call it talking to the universe, sometimes I’m open to the idea that there is a god. I see it as delusional but it’s kind of entertaining.

Prayer isn’t wierd at all but I question my beliefs now too…it all makes me sad, I guess because when I feel alone and like my beliefs are dumb, I just get down on myself… Thank you tho you guys <3

I wonder is anyone there? Am I even being heard? I guess that’s just the big Q on life tho…

I feel pretty stupid sometimes, just a part of life. Things are complicated esp with sz.

I’m starting to see that more and more. After being pulled out of my crowded little world it seems so big and empty out here, not that it was any easier inside there but it was my familiar…

The answer there is probably not. Prayer has some more practical real effects though on the human psyche I believe. Ordering your thoughts, distracting yourself, maybe the feeling of being heard in privacy. Not talking to a judgemental human but still talking.

Yes, when I thought my voices were a pair of FBI agents watching me I started calling them Friends Being Interested. As much as they haunted me, I was sad to see them go. In the end it was just a kick in the pants to get me out in the world and make real friends.

Yes, I missed them but it’s just a trap. They want to monopolize your time and keep you alone. They were jealous masters that I’m glad to be rid of.

Here’s a song from Next To Normal that describes the relationship…

Life swings from being to lonely to too crowded pretty easily. Sucks to be stuck with one or the other. It’s a balancing game. I’m starting to prefer social contact through my phone. The content seems so much more interesting then the stuff in my daily convos. There is a pretty diverse and interesting group of people on this site. It’s a unique place, one of the few benefits of being sz.

Haha agreed @ BryanAshley, and hey at least you got me to laugh so yes this site is the benefit to being SZ

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That’s an intense way of putting it @ MaggotBrane

I’m not diagnosed and I can only imagine what this is like. I remember a conversation my son and I had once about the fact that his voices were gone. He didn’t tell me that he had reservations about losing them although I kind of figured that he did. Anyways one day he told me that he was surprised at how relaxing it was and how he could now listen to sounds that he couldn’t listen to before. Outside sounds, nature… the ticking of a clock…

Maybe grounding yourself this way could help?

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Ty BarbieBF! Yes my dad is working thru this with me a good way to put the missing is like going thru a divorce, you know they were bad for you, but you in certain but not entirely miss them… The one thing is I have to relearn just being me, I am no longer me plus them, I just have to breath and enjoy this space that I have to grow to fill in, these weeds are no longer choking out my roots… One thing my dad, my Gramma and me are doing is almost a ‘book club’ all reading and talking our way thru ‘Surviving Schizophrenia, A Family Manual’ maybe this or an idea like this would be good for you to do with your son too?

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It’s something I battle on my good days. The irrational desire to invite them back in. I think a new experience is always a little less comfortable at first. That kind of only goes for mental things. We adapt and set expectations and get used to things. When things change we have to do that all over again. Gotta just relax. What’s better more you should be more comfortable. Hopefully it only take a few days. Keep us updated.

This is an interesting topic- studies show that eastern schizophrenics have much less negative voices. Perhaps it is the individualism of western society that makes us hear malignant hallucinations. I myself have one good voice, the voice of 17 year old me- a good, naive yet very noble kid. The voice of reason and resolve. My hallucinations are mild these days on medication, but I sometimes hear my younger self tell me words of encouragement. For example, he sometimes calls me a hero when I help someone. The other hallucinations? Nope.

Overall, hallucinations = Nope

Means I don’t endorse them.

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I agree with new is uncomfortable @BryanAshley

@mortimermouse I can see how they aren’t all bad mine are not all bad either

My voices are more like tendrils now. Loosely spinning strings of sound that I can focus on and the fill my third ear. They really are under control now, I hope they go away though. My experience and self has been changing pretty rapidly over the last 48 hours. It’s been a good thing, it’s almost like the struggle is over. Now I just need this new mindset to be cemented in.

Sz has been interesting. I feel better then I ever have in my life. In control. No psychotic pretense. Peaceful, focused, and interested in things for once.