But that’s not me. I know it makes other people happy and feel good about themselves around me but I have been a good person most of my life. Sure, I did mean things in high school but not a lot. But when I turned 20 in my first group home, I realized that I had treated people bad in the past and I vowed to never do it again.
I had a really effed up morning. People try to make me feel that my normal state of being is giving up. It’s hard to describe. Most people get points for being normal or doing something good. People only give me points most of the time for giving up and feeling inferior.
It’s partly my fault but mostly their fault. It’s hard to explain but people assume that being nothing is my natural way of living. I have days like this often. And I can run with it for a whole morning and feel bad about myself and even a whole day but it’s so untrue. Screw them. Because that is NOT me and the only reason they do it is to have someone they can take advantage of.
And today it was worse than usual and I felt like sh*t all morning. But then when I went to my doctors appointment this morning and all of a sudden people were being friendly too me and looking at me with genuine respect. WTF? I appreciate it but where was this in high school or most of my damn life? I’m the same damn person. This is why they should screen tenants here for people who aren’t losers and they should get people with basic decency not a bunch of insane predators. I’m not bitter just mad and frustrated.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate to thinking that they feel most normal at their worst instead of their best.
