Hi. So I can’t really tell you if my schiz stated five or eight years ago. I have been on disability for two. I had a psychotic episode and punched several people in what to me felt like self defense, went to jail then hospital where I was put on meds like four years ago.
I was schiz for some time before that, ever since a breakup followed by some lsd. I’ve always been a stoner though and while it tends to make me ramble a bit weed really doesn’t send me into trips, I hardly go a moment without it. I drink a little too.
Lately I’ve been trying to go back to work but the tiniest criticism or mistake shatters my confidence. I think people can inhabit other people’s bodies too and I know it’s not real but it feels like my ex follows me around tormenting me. I know it’s not real but the thought train still sort of drives itself. I have had delusions of grandeur like being Obamas think tank or being the guy who controls Lebron james as an avatar during big games.
Also my neighbors constantly talk about me or think about me. It’s not that they consciously do it but it’s like an automated brain thing and then when the information comes up they can telepathically recall it correctly. I know they don’t really I’ve had to accept that to be pragmatic in society.
I have chased away all my friends and the side effects of even the good drugs suck I am so sad and disappointed about what I’ve become. The weed helps depression but ya know. I got beat up in jail and stuff. I got my degree in psychology but then was banned from the campus because everybody was scared of me, which makes me sad. I felt everyone was gaslighting me and to this day I have my own perhaps delusional theories about what’s going on, but I’m pretty smart so some of them sound ok. But they’re not and even if they are true it doesn’t matter I still have to get on with my life.
Im also bisexual ish or whatever I have ■■■■■■ a dude in fact I believe delusionally that I am a sex slave here for their pleasure. They call me and make me really horny then the beings devour me.
I recently figured out my voices only say like fifteen different phrases. Lucky me. They got kinda sad when they realized they were figments of my imagination.
I stopped my abilify about two weeks ago and I’m taking the minimum dose of geodon but only at night cuz I hate how it makes me feel. Abilify gave me dry patches that looked like herpes plus it stopped making me feel good. I know they say raise the dose but I don’t want to. I’ve skipped several drs appts but I have trauma from the doctors who kept me in jail under “psych eval”. I was never even taken to trial but I get it I was crazy.
My gf left me and I still get sad but I think it’s mostly because I miss the time in my life before the condition took over. Another girl slept with me and said she was pregnant but the dates didn’t add up and she was showing a month in but she still says it was my kid but he died at birth.
I felt like I was bullied in college idk why we insist on ranking and labeling people. The withdrawals from abilify are taking forever and I scared all my friends away or they are just busy. I smoke a pack of cigs a day. Idk. I guess I don’t have a question I’m just looking for encouragement.
I believe schiz is the true shaman and that the world really needs us, I believe people use my abilities to better there own lives by sort of telepathically poisoning me by making me say a word or accept something from them. I mean I know it’s not true but psychologically it may as well be.
I am very scared and sad about spending the rest of my life like this. I keep waiting for everyone to jump out and be like, surprise! You’re not sick we were just ■■■■■■■ with you. At this stage it would be a relief to find out the govt was hacking me and I’m some sort of x man.
I deliver pizzas and it’s easy plus I’m alone a lot and frequently but I ■■■■ up a lot. Nobody cares though. Idk sometimes I feel like I’m not safe to drive but it’s whatever, I don’t really hallucinate much except this one guy one time. But I get dizzy.
I used to play a lot of basketball but age and mental blocks have really shut that down. I play guitar. I make a lot of music but nobody cares. My voices constantly nudge me to go off my pills, plus some of them are democrat and some are republican and they fight over my “loyalty”. Idk. Ya know?