Five years schiz, kinda depressed

Hi. So I can’t really tell you if my schiz stated five or eight years ago. I have been on disability for two. I had a psychotic episode and punched several people in what to me felt like self defense, went to jail then hospital where I was put on meds like four years ago.

I was schiz for some time before that, ever since a breakup followed by some lsd. I’ve always been a stoner though and while it tends to make me ramble a bit weed really doesn’t send me into trips, I hardly go a moment without it. I drink a little too.

Lately I’ve been trying to go back to work but the tiniest criticism or mistake shatters my confidence. I think people can inhabit other people’s bodies too and I know it’s not real but it feels like my ex follows me around tormenting me. I know it’s not real but the thought train still sort of drives itself. I have had delusions of grandeur like being Obamas think tank or being the guy who controls Lebron james as an avatar during big games.

Also my neighbors constantly talk about me or think about me. It’s not that they consciously do it but it’s like an automated brain thing and then when the information comes up they can telepathically recall it correctly. I know they don’t really I’ve had to accept that to be pragmatic in society.

I have chased away all my friends and the side effects of even the good drugs suck I am so sad and disappointed about what I’ve become. The weed helps depression but ya know. I got beat up in jail and stuff. I got my degree in psychology but then was banned from the campus because everybody was scared of me, which makes me sad. I felt everyone was gaslighting me and to this day I have my own perhaps delusional theories about what’s going on, but I’m pretty smart so some of them sound ok. But they’re not and even if they are true it doesn’t matter I still have to get on with my life.

Im also bisexual ish or whatever I have ■■■■■■ a dude in fact I believe delusionally that I am a sex slave here for their pleasure. They call me and make me really horny then the beings devour me.

I recently figured out my voices only say like fifteen different phrases. Lucky me. They got kinda sad when they realized they were figments of my imagination.

I stopped my abilify about two weeks ago and I’m taking the minimum dose of geodon but only at night cuz I hate how it makes me feel. Abilify gave me dry patches that looked like herpes plus it stopped making me feel good. I know they say raise the dose but I don’t want to. I’ve skipped several drs appts but I have trauma from the doctors who kept me in jail under “psych eval”. I was never even taken to trial but I get it I was crazy.

My gf left me and I still get sad but I think it’s mostly because I miss the time in my life before the condition took over. Another girl slept with me and said she was pregnant but the dates didn’t add up and she was showing a month in but she still says it was my kid but he died at birth.

I felt like I was bullied in college idk why we insist on ranking and labeling people. The withdrawals from abilify are taking forever and I scared all my friends away or they are just busy. I smoke a pack of cigs a day. Idk. I guess I don’t have a question I’m just looking for encouragement.

I believe schiz is the true shaman and that the world really needs us, I believe people use my abilities to better there own lives by sort of telepathically poisoning me by making me say a word or accept something from them. I mean I know it’s not true but psychologically it may as well be.

I am very scared and sad about spending the rest of my life like this. I keep waiting for everyone to jump out and be like, surprise! You’re not sick we were just ■■■■■■■ with you. At this stage it would be a relief to find out the govt was hacking me and I’m some sort of x man.

I deliver pizzas and it’s easy plus I’m alone a lot and frequently but I ■■■■ up a lot. Nobody cares though. Idk sometimes I feel like I’m not safe to drive but it’s whatever, I don’t really hallucinate much except this one guy one time. But I get dizzy.

I used to play a lot of basketball but age and mental blocks have really shut that down. I play guitar. I make a lot of music but nobody cares. My voices constantly nudge me to go off my pills, plus some of them are democrat and some are republican and they fight over my “loyalty”. Idk. Ya know?


I’m sorry.
A wall of text.
I can’t read it.


Dang. I guess just part of my story and I’m sad because this sucks

I feel bad for u dude the next bowl is for u.

I actually read it. Sounds like you need to get back on your meds.

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:frowning: they suck I hate my meds but I’m on them the doc actually said it’s pointless to be on two antipsychotics at once but we did it anyway.

Oh yea go back on meds. U have to get over the fact that it’ll take awhile until you’ll feel yourself again. But u can’t stay the way u are. Dude u went to jail because of it, u gotta keep it in check. No offense bc I’m on a court order so I feel ya. But ya next bowls for u.

I managed to read your post.
Yeah it’s best to get back on your meds.
If Abilify is hurting you then work with your doctor to find something else.
I’m sorry that your life sucks now.

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And one more thing dude. Ur funny after all that I just read ur really funny. Ur not the only one it sucks yes but what we need is a new perspective. U gotta find something to immerse urself in

Thanks yo. Ya idk weed never really changed for me and I haven’t actually felt “high” or whatever in a long time. But it is something to look forward to, breaks up the day like cigs

ya I’ll make a doc appt but really it just is probably these abilify withdrawals. I am on geodon but taking it during the day means I can’t work and I gotta do something. It’s torture. And zyprexa sucked, seriquel sucked, risperadone sucked. And if schiz has a “genetic component” why is it the same rates worldwide? I think it’s environmental. Like hey your dad was poor and got schiz your poor and got schiz too, must be genetic. I mean I’m sure there is a little bit there but anyhoo just my opinion, maaaan.

I read it.

I agree with what everyone else is saying,

You need to go back on your meds and stop skipping doctor’s appointments.

Abilify withdrawals are probably making everything worse,

And you’re smoking weed?

I don’t think its helping you, man.

I’m sorry things have been so hard the past little while, but if you give the meds a fair go, you may feel better soon.


True, I have I’ve been medicated for the past few years. But the medicines have really bad effects on me idk I want minimum dose possible. I’m not giving up yet I can be one of those high functioning schiz types that don’t take many if any meds. The schizophrenic, as embarrassing as he may be, is a vital social niche for some reason in human societies. So I punched a man in self defense? When the cops picked me up I was fleeing the man. But since I kept running all stupid…look it’s whatever I’m over it, it won’t happen again. Healthy people punch each other all the time. But ya I’m a minimum dose for me kinda guy, I support your autonomy to choose for yourself though. Pills helped me, help many. But something tells me I need to be on as few as possible.

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I feel the same way.

I want to be on as little medication as possible,

To keep my edge,

But you need to get stable before you start cutting back on medication.

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37 years schiz. I’m kinda depressed but kinda happy. Hopefully you will find some peace with yourself. It ain’t easy and it takes time but you get out of life what you put into it. There are people who have it worse than both you and me and there are people who have it better. And it will always be that way. But people who have it worse than you survive and so can you.

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Oh most of this isn’t really how I feel now, just kinda a rushed intro to my situ. (Situation). I’m as stable as I have been in a long time. I tried getting a second job but it was a little too much. Was gonna try sarcosine bc my negative symptoms are really what bothers me at least when I’m on the geodon, the positive symptoms aren’t that bad. Plus I have been navigating these waters for a while and I know not to say cryptic things. But sarcosine said it causes rage so I’m like hell no. I was taking NAC and I thought that was causing my returned symptoms, then I remembered that I stopped the abilify. Gonna try NAC again. I’m telling you, weed does nothing to me. It’s weird. If it does make the positive symptoms “worse” it’s whatever I’m used to them now and I’m a pragmatist. NAC kept me up all night though. I’m opening up and rambling here because I feel like I can be myself here, it really is quite taxing to pretend not to be a telepath or schiz or whatever all the time. I read one high functioning schiz said she gives herself little breaks of insanity.

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Welcome to the forum, @toughluck33. I broke up your post into paragraphs so that it would be easier for our members to read.


Thank you ya I’m bad that way!

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Perhaps I’ll give abilify another shot if it gets really bad. My fav of the drugs they prescribed me was ambien.

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Thank you…

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