I’m not sure if this should be in Recovery or Delusion.
I’m hoping it stays in recovery because I’m trying to process myself out of a delusion that has been washing into my brain like the advancing tide. I involves a friend who has re-entered my life after a long hiatus.
I don’t know if there was a flash of false memory that sparked this delusion or if it was a delusion that sparked this false memory… either way it goes, I’m trying to untangle this little trouble maker from out of my head. I bet this can get silly quick if I let it keep building.
So here’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to Pin point the incident in question between us. I’ve been reading the old journals and trying to find the date that this “incident” happened. I can’t find it. There is no record of it that I’ve written down.
Last night I’ve been writing down my memory of the supposed incident and realizing as I write I see my friend in this incident as 15, 23 and now 30 all at the same time. So this is what is making me think my head circus is acting up.
The voices are trying to amp up and make me feel bad for something that most likely didn’t happen. (Just like when I wake up convinced that I beat up my kid sis and then I see I didn’t lay a hand on her.)
I’m trying to write out the incident both memory and feeling so I can either ask my friend if he remembers anything about this. I don’t just want to lay this on him with no warning. He’s cool and all, but we’re just now rebuilding that old bridge.
So first I’m trying to stay calm. Second I’m trying NOT to start reacting to what I think might have happened. Third I’m writing it out and trying to pin point it. If and it’s a big if, IF the incident did happen, then don’t stress on it and discuss it calmly with the other person involved and don’t go over board thinking that this is the end of how I see myself. Write it out and talk to my therapist if I don’t just calmly talk to the friend.
So any false memory is sort of trackable due to all my over journaling. But the delusions really hit the heart and that is what messes me up some times.