False Memory vs. Delusion

I’m not sure if this should be in Recovery or Delusion.

I’m hoping it stays in recovery because I’m trying to process myself out of a delusion that has been washing into my brain like the advancing tide. I involves a friend who has re-entered my life after a long hiatus.

I don’t know if there was a flash of false memory that sparked this delusion or if it was a delusion that sparked this false memory… either way it goes, I’m trying to untangle this little trouble maker from out of my head. I bet this can get silly quick if I let it keep building.

So here’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to Pin point the incident in question between us. I’ve been reading the old journals and trying to find the date that this “incident” happened. I can’t find it. There is no record of it that I’ve written down.

Last night I’ve been writing down my memory of the supposed incident and realizing as I write I see my friend in this incident as 15, 23 and now 30 all at the same time. So this is what is making me think my head circus is acting up.

The voices are trying to amp up and make me feel bad for something that most likely didn’t happen. (Just like when I wake up convinced that I beat up my kid sis and then I see I didn’t lay a hand on her.)

I’m trying to write out the incident both memory and feeling so I can either ask my friend if he remembers anything about this. I don’t just want to lay this on him with no warning. He’s cool and all, but we’re just now rebuilding that old bridge.

So first I’m trying to stay calm. Second I’m trying NOT to start reacting to what I think might have happened. Third I’m writing it out and trying to pin point it. If and it’s a big if, IF the incident did happen, then don’t stress on it and discuss it calmly with the other person involved and don’t go over board thinking that this is the end of how I see myself. Write it out and talk to my therapist if I don’t just calmly talk to the friend.

So any false memory is sort of trackable due to all my over journaling. But the delusions really hit the heart and that is what messes me up some times.


Since you didn’t journal it, it sounds like a delusion. Does your friend know of your illness? If he does then you may want to light-heartedly tell him your mind might be playing a little trick on you and you’re having this vague recollection of the incident in question, and ask him if he remembers it. You’ll know right away from his response if it was real or not. Just a suggestion.


Keeping a journal is a most excellent idea. If it’s not in your journal, I agree with the above statement. It probably didn’t happen.


I’ve known this friend ever since speedy sixers kids swim team. He’s always known I have quite the head circus. But it wasn’t until recently that we’ve gotten together as adults and been able to catch up.

At 17 he came out of the closet and at 17 I ended up in hospital. So he thought I disappeared because he is gay. I though he disappeared because I am ill. We both ended up with our noses out of joint.

It wasn’t until a few months ago that his kid sis and my kid sis bumped into each other and hatched a plan.

I am working on it and finding a way to write it out and not go off on a tangent so I can tell him and sort of fact check. If the incident happened, then well, I will work on not letting this freak me out or bust down what we’ve been building up. My brain has a feeling it’s delusion. My heart has a feeling it’s reality. I wish my head and my heart would agree more often.


Boy do I remember those swim meet days, we were the Arden Lake Alligators lol :smiley: :swimmer:

I have the same problem. :two_hearts:

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A swim team MOM? :smile_cat:

Did your son and daughter both swim? What were their strokes?

As a swim Mom, did you have to make Jello squares too? My mom always got stuck making jello squares.

We were with the YMCA Dolphins and then we ended up on the Green Lake Gators…

I was always put in the 500 and the relays since I’m tall and all gangly. My sis is the butterfly queen. She makes it look so easy. I have the good flip turns and she has the great block starts. If only we could get those skills together. I really sort of miss the Saturday Swim meet chaos. I know I couldn’t take it now. But it was fun while it lasted.

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My “specialty” was Rice Krispy treats. Your swimming career was probably more lengthy and notable than my kids.

Sis will be the first to tell anyone that she was not blessed with coordination. I’ll never forget her first swim meet, she was probably about 7 or 8, she cried her eyes out the whole way down her lane. I thought she would never make it to the end, and she probably didn’t either. The crowds were gathered around the pool cheering her on, I think it scared and embarrassed her. She persevered and swam for a few more seasons though.

Son on the other hand was one little coordinated rascal. Could hold his own, did well in free style and butterfly. He was a good little gymnast too but this sport overshadowed everything else - did this for 10 years, was on a competitive traveling gymnast team. He finally quit in middle school, said he was being bullied about it. Kids can be so mean. He also started getting taller which didn’t help him in this sport. He is tall and gangly now too-- 6’2 and about 160 lbs. I read the many horror stories about weight gain on Zyprexa so he’s very fortunate this way. He does a lot of yoga and walks too.

I no longer go to the swim meets in our subdivision, but on those hazy summer nights I can hear the start buzzer and the bull horn off in the distance, and then the cheers of the crowds :smile:

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My kid sis will be starting as an assistant swim coach, and she is a lifeguard, so I still have a bathroom full of chlorine towels, speedo suits, and TYR goggles hanging every where.

I was and still am tall and gangly. I could never do any other sport but water sports. I did swim team and water polo and then I did pass my life guarding certification. But I ended up in hospital at 17 before I could get hired. My Dad and Uncles were lifeguards, One of my grandfathers was a lifeguard. My Mom was also a swimmer. She was all backstroke. All my brothers did their turn on the deck and beach, and now my kid sis. My oldest nephew is just starting speedy six this year.

The water is definitely in your blood! $16.75 starting - not too shabby at all. Kids out here are scrambling to just make $9 an hr.

As a kid that’s allI I wanted to do was swim. If I was at the pool, lake or beach I was one happy camper! And I might add it’s the only sport I could beat my husband at lol.

When you say the deck, what is that exactly? I have the beach in your area pictured as tall cliffs that drop down to the beach. Is this accurate? Out here on the southeast coast the adjoining land to the beach is relatively flat, the Atlantic and the Gulf of Mexico. No cliffs. On certain parts of the Florida panhandle the beach will drop down say about 20 ft. and there will be steps down to it, but mainly everything is flat.

Deck guarding is at a pool and this city has 11 big ones. Then there are the smaller private ones and I have NO idea how many of those there are.

Beach guarding is out on the beaches. We have a few tall cliffs, but that’s south of us. In Seattle and a bit north it flattens out too. Alki beach is long and gentle slope.

We have Puget sound on one side, Lake Washington, Lake Union on the other side. Then there is a lake in the middle of the city, Green lake and that looks like something out of the 20’s. This is all fed by the huge Duawmish river… We have water every where.

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How long has he been doing yoga?

He’s been doing yoga about 4-5 years. He loves it and says it helps his head a lot. Have you ever tried it?

I tried a yoga class once, but the instructor grabbed onto my knee out of nowhere and it really freaked me out. I didn’t go back. I am getting into guided meditation a bit. If I just sit quietly and let my mind wander, I’ll be in trouble.

I am really excited about the aqua tai chi at the kid sis’s new pool. Still stretching and flexibility, still practicing mindfulness and my favourite…. It’s in the water of a really pretty pool looking out on to the park.

Your son sounds like he’s doing really well if he’s taking his meds, doing yoga, getting out of the house and driving too.

Aqua tai chi sounds like it would be right up your alley.

Bailey is self-taught in yoga. He originally did a few cd’s and he has several books. I know he would not do well in a class environment and it would have bothered him too to have somebody grab his knee like that. He has taught me a few poses and occasionally we’ll do them together. It’s harder than it looks and it’s amazing how relaxed you become at the end of it. He has retained a lot of that gymnast flexibility which comes in handy with the poses.

In some ways he is doing well and in some ways I’m just not sure. He is spending a lot of his time with someone in Atlanta, I don’t know who. I worry about that situation mainly because I don’t know anything about it. Although I have to say my husband and I are savoring the peace and quiet around the house when he’s gone. He will stay downtown for 3-4 days then home for 2-3.

I can tell he is still having disorganized thinking - example, a few days ago he pulled into the driveway, goes inside and gets in the shower, but forgets to turn off the ignition to his car, it’s just running and running. And he still does not communicate with us too much and keeps his distance, so it’s hard for me to gauge. idk

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I have done that. I still mess up with the toaster, the washer and dryer, the oven. The one that was killing me for a while was I’d put the dirty clothing in the dryer and then the washer and then wonder why they were wet when they should be done. Then I was stuck. My sis will just put them back in the dryer again.

She’s written cheat sheets for the appliances around here. I have a lot to learn. I can do math and design gardens, but toasters and washers… I’m still learning.

I hope things go well for him. He’s staying with someone and still coming home and trying to take care of himself. That’s a big step.

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This makes me chuckle, as a lot of your posts do. It’s good to know Bail is in good company with these things :relieved:

your friend sounds pretty cool, so why not just ask him ?
whether it happened or did not happen just say you apologize and make a joke of it…!!
friendship can endure much, have faith in your friend.
take care

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Thank you for that… I have to keep remembering that. Part of the friendship is having faith in each other.

I’m going to talk to him tomorrow when we’re both off work. But I will still write it down so I say on topic. Other wise, I have no idea where the conversation might head.

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that is a good idea to write down the main pointers, i do it all the time so like you i don’t wander off in mid conversation and talk about spaceships and the universe !?!
take care

I had a false memory that haunted me for years. The day I was smoking out in the forest I remember someone putting a knife in my ear and I thought I got microchipped. The voices exalted the problem and it became miserable. 3 days ago I cut open my ear and there was nothing there, giving me proof to end the delusion. As I remember it was a delusion that turned into a false memory, I’d look at your past delusions and false memories and determine that it is not a real memory